Sunday, March 16, 2014

Picture day

A few weeks ago I took the big kid to a sonogram. She doesn't remember going with JJ & she remembers everything. Frankly, I didn't think she had ever gone before either, but lately I forget everything. I thought I'd take her out of school a little early and we'd go have a big girls day out.  

Side note: it turned out she got invited to a play date that afternoon so while she did still choose to come with me for the appointment she ditched me shortly there after for a girls night in at a friend's house. Pizza dinner and a movie with a few girls from her class. Because she may be 6 on her birth certificate, but apparently she is really a teenager. 

Little known fact: the pictures of yore are out. Creepy 3D Sci-Fi is in. I did get one good ol'standby.

I took a look back and all the kids look the same, though to be honest - I can't find a good pic of JJ's sonogram. Middle child, she was born and her fate was sealed.  Remember when we called JJ, Kevin? This kid I've been calling baby Z since the beginning. Z for zombie because (s)he's eating my brain. That said? Now (s)he's taking the life out of me.
In looking for whatever we called L when I was knocked up and knocked down with her I found this post. Where I took tests and it told me she'd be a girl. I took the same tests. This is what they said. 
  • 75 % chance of having a girl 
  • It's a girl!  (Chinese Age 35 at Lunar month 5).
But I digress. 

The truth is I was afraid of what this appointment would kick up for her. She has asked me twice about babies - how they get into one's belly. She's super specific and asks a lot of detailed questions that there is no broadly answering something with her. If you are too general you are met with follow up questions. The first time she asked, I was pregnant with JJ. I was able to get out of it. More recently she remembered I'd never asked this question (2+ years later, people). We were talking about the baby and she said, "You never told me, HOW did the baby get INTO you? HOW DID it get IN there??"

I punked out, again - "Oh, why don't you get that book we have about it - we'll read it together."
That book does exist. It has super specific photos but doesn't actually explain how the baby gets in there. It talks about how the baby lives in there. But that bought me time. As I had her sift through 100s of books looking for the one, I then found a TV show she likes and since TV is a major treat? I dangled it in front of her like a dealer to a junkie. Her curiosity killed by the drug of TV.


I knew, if she asked again, I had to do it. I had to figure out a way to tell her - but the truth is I still don't know what I'll say. 

Luckily? She was more curious about what she was seeing.

The sonographer was a peach, let's call her Suzy Sunshine from here on out {sarcastic font}. I mean, here is this adorable kid, so excited to see her baby brother / sister and NO interaction is provided. I'm not saying you have to keep her entertained - but a little guidance as to what we were looking at would have been lovely. Because instead it went like this. 

Me: "Look, L - I think that's the baby's belly!"
Suzy Sunshine: "That's the head." Said in super condescending tone as if DUH. HOW do you not know this. 

And it kind of went like that for each region of the body. These appointments are about an hour due to the amount of testing that has to be done so it was super fun {sarcastic font}. Besides needing to take measurements of everything, the baby tends to be super disagreeable on these things. On more than one occasion I have had to get up, shake around or lay on either side. Sometimes, without warning the sonographer will shake my belly like a god damn Magic 8 Ball. To which I want to to say, "Concentrate and ask again."

Probably the best one went a little like this:

Ball&chain: "L, look the baby is waving to you! I think that's the hand!!"Me: "I think that's the foot..."

Suzy: "That's your mommy's right ovary."

Suzy wasn't fun. She did not appreciate the adorableness that was the kid and asked me approximately 3 times if I was sure I didn't have gestational diabetes.  As if one forgets that information. The test I proudly (once again) and against the odds passed, unlike tests of yore

But she didn't get the best of the experience. This kid did. Both of them.

Big sister, can you see the resemblance?

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Grand Finale

For awhile I felt that that there was two more babies out there for us, but perhaps in the cards it will be one final blessing. One grand finale. I had visions that our grand finale would come with a surprise encore in the form of twins this last pregnancy.

The first two times I got pregnant, it came easily. The pregnancy itself wasn't always easy, but the whole conception piece was. HEY OH!  This pregnancy has not been easy. The pregnancy itself has been fairly easy, getting here has been a challenge. Little known fact: we have been trying for just about a year. Far beyond our first time a charm babies the first two times.  It's hard to want something so badly and for it not to happen. It's hard to complain when you have two beautiful and healthy babies already, who are we to be so greedy?  Who is it to say it's greedy to try for more children and be beyond disappointed it isn't happening.

Part of my absence recently has been coming to terms with giving up on our plan. Or maybe it's that I haven't been able to come to terms with giving up our plan that has kept me away because I don't know what to say. That seems to be a theme this past year, I don't know what to say here. Except to say, I feel like I can't get back to my regularly scheduled snark without trying to get out as much as I can of the truth.

And the truth is, this year has sucked. I'm happy for where we are today but getting here was the worst. Lots of tiny reasons, insignificant reasons, matched with life changing, story changing reasons.  But here we are, weeks away from the arrival of our grand finale.  Excuse me while I get my cheese on: perhaps this will be the start of a new story - that's my hope.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

{insert nonsensical title - much like this post}

I have come back to this place, thought of this place - for months. I have logged in and started this post more times than I can count, but never wrote a word. I have looked in trying to figure out where to start. Do I start at all? Do I backtrack? Do I explain where I have been? Can I? Nothing too dramatic, yet possibly more dramatic than you imagine. It's a little bit of everything and nothing specific at all.

I'm not trying to be all wordy about where I've been. I honestly don't know what to say, how to say it or if I should anything at all.

This is the longest I've gone without writing, since I started writing here.  I feel lost.  There are all kinds of ways to share online, but it's in tidbits. 140 characters. Images that only capture a moment. Answering the question: what are you up to?  And frankly it can't possibly show the full picture, but neither can this space. The last few months have me rethinking what I post.  It is just small views into our world. I feel like I am painting a picture that wasn't really true to the whole picture. The small moments don't show it all. And lately it has felt fraudulent. I try to be real and not just share the rainbows. {I am well aware of how ridiculously cheesy this sounds - but it's the truth.} But I can't possibly share all the dark clouds. The tantrums are one thing, but there is so much more I can't possibly put a filter on.

This space provided a little more latitude to be a little more real, but never quite everything. Over the course of the last 6 months I don't know that I felt like I could be real at any level. I haven't really felt all that real. It all started to snowball.

Maybe I'm on an upswing.  There will always be things I protect and can't be transparent on. But maybe things are coming into a space where I can start to use my words a bit more. I've missed it. I need it. I'm going to quit the excuses and just start. I won't make any promises, but I'll acknowledge no matter what the reasons of not being here - I've missed it and go from there.

Friday, December 27, 2013

We triple-dog-dare you to have a merry Christmas

Perhaps my lack of posting can be forgiven with holiday wishes.

Holiday cards in 2013? Nailed.It.*

*Except for those folks who haven't seen "A Christmas Story." For those people: they were confused as to why we would dress the kid up as the Easter Bunny, they missed out. Mostly in life, because it's a classic and they should see it. But also? The card. 


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Catching up - barely

Holy hell. It's only been a month - maybe two but so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

In no particular order, because I don't know how to keep track.
  1. My baby is no longer in Kindergarten. SAY.WHAT. 

  2. My baby baby is no longer a baby - she's two. WHAT THE WHAT?
  3. The summer is here and we are working it out to make it fantastic.
    Dinners outside and spent loving.

  4. We took a 2 week vacation, haven't done that - almost ever.
  5. Related: the Jersey Shore is not just for trancing and MTV reality shows. It's magical.  More magical than the magic capital of the world.
  6. Related to the 2 week vacation, we did so by way of a 10 hour road trip - each way.
    Local fun - and Google photos makes gifs? All good.
  7. We are making friends - or trying to. It's hard work.
  8. Took JJ to her first real movie. We all survived. It was very much like her sister - popcorn is key.
  9. We have our first lost tooth. After weeks of wiggling and throwing up in my mouth (it's a horror show - loose teeth) we have one down, one to go that is loose. In the meantime? She has shark teeth - rows of teeth coming in it's horrifying.

  10. There are so many real stories within these small
    Summer outside movie fun.
     line items. So many stories to tell - but we're busy. Livin. Put that on a magnet. Pin it.
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