Wednesday, May 2, 2007

next comes C in the baby carriage

Yea, we move fast. That's how we roll.

I'm knocked up.

At first I thought that the salmon at Lingo's salad bar but it turns out that wasn’t so. I was in denial for a bit but randomly one fine night I pulled over at the Crimetown CVS and got a test. We passed the test that changed our life. Instantly.

You don't even know how many things you can't do when you're preggers. And some things are recommended, not necessary- but who wants to take the chance? And EVERYONE is a doctor- unsolicited advice comes from all angles, from all people- strangers included. The weirdest thing is I started to crave things I don't even like and HATE things I love. Between the knock down drag out headaches, nausea 24/7 (what about morning sickness- nope 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), stomach cramps, bloating... the works the first three months were less then desirable. And when I just about thought I couldn’t take another day- seriously, all of a sudden, I felt better. So the rumors are true, trimester 2 is where you want to be. The only downside is it's only 1/3 of the incubation period.

Well better is relative, I am not as tired, I don’t feel sick constantly, and I feel more ‘normal.’ Now I’ve read all the books – What to Expect When Your Expecting, Pregnancy for Dummies, Belly Laughs, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, and Pregnancy: When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable. I told you, I’ve read all the books and let me save you time…

Tips & Heads Up:

1. 2 out of 3 of the trimesters will be horrible, if you are lucky.
2. There are woman in the world that love the 9 months. They are not lying, they are just crazy. Ignore crazy people.
3. Cooking meat may cause gagging- husbands beware, you may just have to become a vegetarian- deal with it.
4. Runny nose: also a fun ‘side effect’ of being knocked up. Yup- so you get fat, swollen, cranky, tired and all with the sniffles.
5. Get ready to get violent when you hear the oh so often uttered, “I am so fat” from all of your friends.
6. Don’t be alarmed, that’s not a foghorn, that’s your arse.
7. You may start eating like a 3rd grader- that’s okay. Fruit juice and mac & cheese is a perfectly good meal.
8. You will start going to bed earlier than a 3rd grader.
9. Cankles, they are not a mysterious creature- they might be your reality.
10. Get ready to loose eye contact, eyes will dart directly to your torso- “how are you doing” will be directed to your abdomen and ridiculously growing chest. The latter sounds great, but guess what? Not so much.

More to come.

-J to the Guarro

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