Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Earlier this week, a milestone was hit I was hoping never would. As a parent, you want your child to excel. You want you child to hit milestones, and if they are ahead of schedule - even better. Jackpot. Genius city. 

Well, my kid may be a genius - but a filthy liar of a genius. 

Here's how it went.

L wanted to go out after dinner, her usual spot - the front porch - or as she calls it the "french port." Truth be told, I really didn't want to - but "luckily" the ball & chain was traveling, dinner was running late and there was still bath ahead of us - there was no time. I explained the no time factor, we had to get JJ bathed and ready for bed. Then, because I do love the kid so - I thought out loud, "Oh, but maybe after she goes to bed we can go out for a few minutes." The kid beamed with excitement. 

Her, "YES!"
Me, "Wait, did you nap though?"
Her, "No. {she thinks...} UM - yes. Yes, I did!"
Me, "You did? Really?"

The rule is, if she takes a nap she can stay up later. If she doesn't nap, and only rests quietly in her room for an hour - she goes to bed early. Truth be told, it's a difference of 30 minutes, but to her? It's a lifetime. Now that summer is here, staying up late usually means a bit longer. She knows how to work the system, the longer she snugs with me, the longer she can stay up. Who wouldn't want to snug with a cutie? Not me, if she's a lying cutie. Also, for the purposes of the rest of the story? Our au pair's name is Sally. Not really - but it's what I'm going with.

Her, "I DID!"
Me, "Ok, let me call Sally."
Her, "Oh, no. Don't call Sally. She's probably busy, playing bollywall."

Bollywall being volleyball, which Sally was in fact playing. There was some more back and forth, but the long and short of it was I gave her at least 10 chances to come clean. Did the whole, "I won't be mad, if you tell me the truth - but if you let the lie go, it will be a bigger problem."

I apologized to her in the end, saying that I was sorry and I was sad, but I felt like she was lying. We weren't going outside tonight. If I'm wrong, we'd go out even longer the next night but I felt confident that she wasn't telling me the truth. I'll apologize if I'm wrong, but I think I'm right. "Am I right, kid? Are you lying?"

"I'm not lying, Mama!"

She let the lie go. Sally didn't get back to me until after L went to bed, and maybe you didn't put it together - but home girl didn't sleep. She didn't nap. She did lie. She did break my heart.

The next morning when the kid woke up, the first thing I asked was, "When Sally got back to me, what do you think she said?"

And then she did something she's never done before. Other than lie.

She laughed. Hard. Like a sociopath.

I calmly explain, it's not cool. It's not funny. It's serious. She lied and I'm disappointed, and there are consequences. For the next two nights, she eats dinner - no dessert and straight to bed.

She didn't cry, she took it in. And when it was time to pay the piper? She took it like a man. I guess my little lying sociopath believes in rehabilitation, so that's a good thing. Right?

{laughs like a crazy person slash sociopath}

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Holy time machine, Batman

First picture
My brain knows this isn't possible, but my heart? My heart is convinced we've tripped through some kind of time vortex. There is no way we are coming up to your 10 month pre-birthday. That means in 2 months, you'll be one year old. That's how math works.  I still don't believe it. You've been out for longer than you were in. What.The.What. 


I know your mama has been quite the delinquent reporter of your first few months, but it doesn't mean I love you any less. In fact, I don't know what it was like before you got here (almost) 10 months ago. You are loving. You are funny. You are a character. You.Are.Trouble.

Seriously.

Eg as the smarties say.... we have a box of child proofing gear that we barely ever opened for your big sister. She just didn't get into things. She wasn't an angel, but she didn't put anything in her mouth, she didn't hang on things, pull on things, chew on things, tear up things (with the exception of magazines)... like someone I know {I'm looking at you, if that wasn't obvious kid.} She was just slightly more chill. Just did her thing. Now, you do your thang - but it's just totally slightly more destructive spirited. The things that I find in your mouth? Startling. Sometimes dangerous, sometimes just straight up weird. Like the two random dried up and dead ladybugs I fished out of your mouth just the other day. Sa-weet. 

You are your own someone and we love that about you. Even if your someone is some one who hoards food in their mouth like an adorable hamster.  Girly, you are getting SO big already. On one hand it's just yesterday that we met you - but we've known you forever.

Love you much kid, even if you have brought us through some time traveling conundrum.

Most recent picture.
What? Do I have something on my face??? 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Jimmy Fallon, you complete her.

My baby girl loves her some Jimmy Fallon. I mean, can you blame her? To say she loves his "work" is an understatement. To say the only work she knows is his Capitol One commercials, is the truth - but that is everything to her. Well done, Capitol One. I feel like if she could get her hands ON a wallet - it's what would be in it.

Here's her reaction to watching THIS Capitol One commercial.

Commercial:

Her reaction:

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Criminal Moms

I figured, might as well get this down - so when it comes time for therapy we can point to the root of the problem, quickly.

Here's how it went down. Judge for yourself, do you agree with me? I shouldn't have been provided with the opportunity to nurture and raise children.

I went upstairs to put JJ down to bed. Home girl was tired and it was time for b e d. 

Side note, just yesterday I was telling the ball & chain that while I appreciate his help at bed time I don't need it. Let this be a lesson to us all. I do need him, my children need him. He can never leave again.

As I went upstairs, L was watching something on the DVR.  She's a fan of the Big Bang Theory. And as I type it, I get it. It's not My Little Pony's or terribly appropriate, but as long as there is no blatant sex talk - she thinks it's funny and it's innocent enough.

Seriously, maybe I shouldn't be allowed to raise these kids.

When I came back down stairs, knowing what is to come - I found her terrified on the couch. At the time, I thought she was trying to stay up later.  Stall tactics. I was cold, told her to pull it together; we were not watching another episode of the Big Bang Theory.

That's when I realize, the episode she was watching on the DVR ended. As the TV does, it flips to whatever was on TV "behind" the recorded episode.

The TV was on CBS. Criminal Minds. The first 5-6 minutes (always the worst) of Criminal Minds. I'm not entirely sure how much she saw. It could have been seconds, it could have been 6 minutes. I asked her what she saw and she said, "I don't want to talk about it."

Awesome. And by awesome I mean: worst.parent.ever.
I let her watch another episode of Big Bang Theory.  I even offered a My Little Pony episode or two.

She went to bed surprisingly okay. I'm hoping she only saw seconds, maybe the first 6 minutes weren't that bad? 

I was told by a friend, that some things are better left unknown. Don't watch the first 6 minutes of the episode. I think we can all agree, I don't make the best decisions. I watched the first 6 minutes.

By minute 3 there was a woman taped to a bed and stabbed with an ice pick cut to a firing squad style execution of a man on death row. By minute 6 a second woman was walking around her house, scary music enters the scene and she thinks someone is in her closet. There wasn't anyone in her closet. Just then? A man dressed in black comes from the side, throws her on the bed, ties her up with tape, and stabs her. With (another) ice pick. 

Yup. DSS can come right over and pick up my children.  I think it's about time, at least until my husband gets home.
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