'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a present was wrapped especially for the spouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
While the kid freaked if St Nicholas would ever be there.
The kids were worried not snug in their beds,
While visions of lost Santas danced in their heads.
And mamma with her beer all cold in a can,
Had accepted her fate of not sleeping; not a big fan.
When up in our room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Away from the pile of toys I was midst,
Tore open a storage box and threw up a fist.
The reality of running out of paper and tape was clear,
It's too freaking bad I didn't buy enough this year.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But only one dispenser and eight packing tape spheres.
With a little bit of patience, so rare for this chick,
I knew in a moment I wanted a St Nick.
To come to my house and wrap these presents for me,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the thought to flee!
Now toys! now, movies! now, mittens and socks!
On, dolls! On, paints! On clothing with no box!
To the bottom of the tree! to the top of the wall!
Now wrap away! Wrap away! Wrap away all!
And then, in a twinkling, I heard right beside me,
The placement of the final gift under the tree.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
this wretched task was done and it was time to lay down.
My eyes-how they twinkled! My heart oh how merry!
My cheeks were like roses, my nose like a cherry!
I'd like to say it was the Christmas cheer,
but I think we all know - I probably had too much beer.
The pile of presents they were all finally wrapped,
If one more was delivered, the mail man would be slapped.
It wouldn't be pretty if he came by one more time,
I'd probably spend the holiday convicted of a crime.
Back to reality, I thought, did we get everything?
God damn it Alessandro that Elf on the Shelf.
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
How I'm glad we didn't name him Chippy or Fred.
I sprang to my feet, to get my ass to bed,
And thought of how long I'd sleep, those kids I did dread.
But I heard the ball & chain say, ironic & trite,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"