You know when you are in argument with someone and you walk away dumb founded and then hours or days later you're like: GAH! If I only said X Y and Z.
That happens, and it's life.
What's horrifying is when in that moment, whether it is an argument or not - a moment in time - something happens where you fail your child. And moments, even hours later you think - I could have done that better.
I failed mine. Hours later, I thought, SHIT. Why didn't I say anything? And days later, I'm still thinking about it.
In comment to my kindergarten CHILD the following was said, in front of her: "Look at her! She lost some weight!"
There is no defense to my (non-re)action, but in that moment I remember thinking. Wait. Is this OK? Am I over thinking that this is wrong? I'm tired. I must be tired.
Another lesson learned: listen to your gut. Always listen to your gut.
If I could do it all over, if I could be the mother I want to be my girl, it'd go a little like this:
Excuse me, I'm sorry. Are you seriously commenting on my five year old's body? Providing her with a flashback where she is able to pin point where her body issues began to her therapist that I will gladly foot the bill to. I will be pissed, though, when I find out it's YOU that started it all. With all of that said, she's beautiful. Inside & out. And not that thing that people say, she is. She has enough pressures and she will - between kids - that's right children who barely have an excuse, television, magazines, the Internet - the god damn world will hand it to her. Perhaps during our "family time" we can lay off the fucking body issues.
Ok fine, I probably shouldn't drop the F bomb - but I wish I could. I wish I could have said any portion of the shame on you speech that I now have in my head. Even if it cost me an F bomb, I should have. Sorry, kid. Some days I'll make you proud and other days I'll fail you - but I'll always love you and work to make it so the days of pride heavily outweigh the failures. The only fucking mass that matters.