For awhile I felt that that there was two more babies out there for us, but perhaps in the cards it will be one final blessing. One grand finale. I had visions that our grand finale would come with a surprise encore in the form of twins this last pregnancy.
The first two times I got pregnant, it came easily. The pregnancy itself wasn't always easy, but the whole conception piece was. HEY OH! This pregnancy has not been easy. The pregnancy itself has been fairly easy, getting here has been a challenge. Little known fact: we have been trying for just about a year. Far beyond our first time a charm babies the first two times. It's hard to want something so badly and for it not to happen. It's hard to complain when you have two beautiful and healthy babies already, who are we to be so greedy? Who is it to say it's greedy to try for more children and be beyond disappointed it isn't happening.
Part of my absence recently has been coming to terms with giving up on our plan. Or maybe it's that I haven't been able to come to terms with giving up our plan that has kept me away because I don't know what to say. That seems to be a theme this past year, I don't know what to say here. Except to say, I feel like I can't get back to my regularly scheduled snark without trying to get out as much as I can of the truth.
And the truth is, this year has sucked. I'm happy for where we are today but getting here was the worst. Lots of tiny reasons, insignificant reasons, matched with life changing, story changing reasons. But here we are, weeks away from the arrival of our grand finale. Excuse me while I get my cheese on: perhaps this will be the start of a new story - that's my hope.