Pregnancy and motherhood takes a lot from you. I always worried it would take away my hair, my 'figure', sleep... but what I never anticipated was it would take away my social skills. I've lost the ability to talk to people, new or old, about anything at all or appropriate.
A few weeks back on my first venture out sans baby and C I went to a bar for a birthday party. I arrived and literally didn't know how to interact. The beer was flowing- I mentioned that this was the first time I was drinking, in almost a year- I needed to make sure I didn't turn into that girl. No one likes that girl. When asked, "Why did you quit drinking?" I responded, "Well, if I was having a baby and if I didn't they would have taken my baby away." I was proud of this joke. For no good reason.. because I was met with a sideways glance and awkward eyes. And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, while up against deer in headlight eyes that are silent and awkward I decide to go with breastfeeding talk. You don't follow up a failed child abuse joke with talk of breast milk. I know this in looking back, but at the time I couldn't stop myself- yammering about how I could drink if I pump and dumped, or did you know that after your last drink, after 2 hours the beer wouldn't be in your milk? I couldn't stop. Diarrhea of the mouth took over and the awkward eyes turned into long pause and glancing away - she was looking around for someone to save her but alas there was no one and she was a stuck.
I join a mom's group of sorts, on the Internet- Meetup.com. There was an event that we could all go to - so I'm not left alone to my own devices talking breast milk and baby vomit. Although, this of all places would have been where to get that out of my system. As we pull into my debut to the mommy world, the place is d e a d. We do the only thing we can, we keep driving and circle back about a half hour later. Here's the thing- we were the only people in there with children who didn't walk... so a 2 month old was not going to cut it. Short of abducting a toddler, all we could do was make a plan. Operation: Bail was if it got weird pull the plug on the binky- have her freak and boom we have an out. That was until I saw a friendly face. A friend of mine from work who recently had a little bambino of her own was there. SO we weren't the youngest ones. We were able to sit and catch up with them, talk it out and not just talk puke and milk (although it was a lot about that) we had a good time. Good talk. They had to take off... so we did a lap (the place was the size of our bedroom) and we were off. We didn't even try. We just got back in our car and off we went. I could have introduced myself, I could have made conversation- we were getting compliments on our car seat, on the litt'le one. I could have made an effort.
I recently had to return my little yellow buddy. My pump. We had a good run together. In returning the wonder yellow machine, I had to and buy a pump- one that the mere mortals use. I'd been using a hospital grade pump- which is the real deal holyfield and if you were to buy one you'd pay for it too- it retails for $1300! With being used to and using regularly this beast of a machine, I needed to get a comfortable pump that will do good work but not cost what many pay in rent. Off I went to the Babies R Us and picked up a ridiculous priced pump that wasn't cheap, but wasn't buy a used car for the same ridiculous. While I'm upset about unloading a few hundred dollars on it- what can you do? The kid needs to eat. And if we were doing only formula, we would eat away at that right quick. (Side note: formula is EXPENSIVE! Good enough reason to bfeed, if you ask me. Dang. 30 bucks for a large container of powder formula wouldn't last long. It lasted 2 weeks here but we only use it for one feeding of 4 or 6 oz a night) Anyway- so there I am in Babies R Us, with my new pump box, looking around for other tchotchke that I don't need nor should I buy when a nice woman, around my age, strikes up a conversation. She starts with, "I don't mean to be nosey." And here it is, a woman who like me is about to share too much information and put her foot in her mouth. She could be my best friend for life- oh the stories we'll tell how we met over pump talk in the aisles of Babies R Us. Long and painful story short. I blow it. She starts to tell me about how insurance might be able to cover the pump and there I go and make a situation awkward and weird by going on and on about how I switched insurances, tests I took while preg that are now not covered, oh and don't forget the hospital grade pump over explanation, NICU, milk supply... the list goes on. She practically ran away from me. Honestly. I think she walked out and didn't even pay for whatever it was she had in her hand cause she didn't want to be stuck on line with me.
I used to be fun, I'm pretty sure people enjoyed talking to me. Now oh no all I can talk about is bodily fluid. No one likes fluid talk, let's be honest. I'm going to keep getting out there, and hopefully be able to control myself. Maybe just maybe make a friend. The first step will be to stop repelling people.