Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Stupid Questions DO Exist

But true answers are just as alive and well.

“You're still here?"

No. No I'm not- I'm a figment of your imagination.

“Aren’t you freezing?”

NO. I’m not. Not at all. In fact, I’ve been uncomfortably hot since May. What makes me even hotter is the fact that everyone around me keeps complaining about how cold they are. I haven’t so much as gotten a chill since May. That’s 4 months of hotness, and not the good kind.

“Do you feel any different?”

Seriously? I’m grade-schooler larger. My legs are trunks and I no longer have the ability to bend. Never mind there is an actual live being inside my stomach, sitting on my bladder and kicking me in the kidneys. What do you think? Everyday I get looks of pain, looks of surprise. And sometimes looks as if I'm in a cage or some kind of experiment. I now know what carnies must feel like.

"How do you feel?"

How do you think I feel? My skin is stretching in ways that are not natural. I'm sweating, and you keep talking about how freezing you are. I haven't seen some parts of my body in months, and those that I have had the opportunity to keep an eye on look like a science project gone array. My feet are sweating, still, and even though I've been marching strong in these flip flops since my shoes stopped fitting me, approximately 3 months ago- I am about to burn a hole in them. And that's when disasters going to strike. What WILL you do if I no longer to have a shoe to put on? You won't dare go near them- because of all the marching in these flops, all the sweating... I'm pretty sure they'll take a person of your size out. If I had to compare, I’d say they have an interesting stank of stale vinegar, what ever that means or smells like. I can't walk, I'm waddling, and I have approximately 50 lbs sitting on my pelvic bone, which if you haven't seen- isn't really made to support.

"What's wrong?"
See any of the above.

"Is the baby coming?"
This questions is usually in response to when I make a face likely because I'm getting kicked or I'm getting a fo'contraction. Oh yes. Right now. Back up- here it comes. Don't you think if the baby were coming I might not remain sitting here with you? Shut up. You'll know when the baby is coming, I'll announce it, not to worry.

guess who won't be stopped and asked stupid questions anymore? that's a stupid question.

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