Catching up - barely

Holy hell. It's only been a month - maybe two but so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

In no particular order, because I don't know how to keep track.

1. My baby is no longer in Kindergarten. SAY.WHAT. 
   
   
   
   
2. My baby baby is no longer a baby - she's two. WHAT THE WHAT?
   
3. The summer is here and we are working it out to make it fantastic.
   

   

   Dinners outside and spent loving.

   
   
   
4. We took a 2 week vacation, haven't done that - almost ever.
   
5. Related: the Jersey Shore is not just for trancing and MTV reality shows. It's magical.  More magical than the magic capital of the world.
6. Related to the 2 week vacation, we did so by way of a 10 hour road trip - each way.
   

   

   Local fun - and Google photos makes gifs? All good.

    
7. We are making friends - or trying to. It's hard work.
    
8. Took JJ to her first real movie. We all survived. It was very much like her sister - popcorn is key.
    
9. We have our first lost tooth. After weeks of wiggling and throwing up in my mouth (it's a horror show - loose teeth) we have one down, one to go that is loose. In the meantime? She has shark teeth - rows of teeth coming in it's horrifying.
   
   
10. There are so many real stories within these small

    

    Summer outside movie fun.

     line items. So many stories to tell - but we're busy. Livin. Put that on a magnet. Pin it.
    

Show me how big your brave is

Step 1, press play:



Step 2: Try not cry.*

*Ok fine, I get it - it's probably just me. But I cry almost every time I sing (scream) this song. It isn't waterfall city, just welling up - damn this hurts. Or does it feel good. Or does it hurt? I don't know. But damn.

I try to think about what I want for my girls. I can't ever seem to put it into a word. I have many words, but never just one word.

The story behind the music: one day I heard Sara Bareilles was putting out a new album (CD, iTunes download - whatever).  and there is a release of the song - with the lyrics. Truth: I am excited because she's a favorite of mine. Bonus: I feel like we'd totally be friends, if I could make a damn friend. Home girl can sing a song riddled with truth (and curses) and it's lovely. Her songs make me happy and when they are sad, I feel it. When she isn't dropping F bombs there are songs that my kid can enjoy & I don't want to poke my ear out. Wins all around. So I look it up, and I press play.

And I can't. I can't stop. I can't stop listening to it. I can't stop crying. The good, cleansing cry. The kind that is not quite sad, but not quite happy. But also the kind that hurts, because I realize it's a song - while likely intended to be a civil rights anthem of sorts - it's my song to my girls. I want to see them be brave.

I'll be damned. Everything I want for my little humans - wrapped in a catchy tune that just makes you want to move. Dance. Like no one is looking. And we do - we dance like no one is watching. Singing like no one can hear us.  The kid & I haven't stopped singing the song. We scream at the top of our lungs - windows down - fake microphones and circle school until we get the song in.


I fear for what is ahead for them. Beyond the chaos of the unexpected tragedy, that has proven to be the possible - in an impossible way. Beyond the disappointments they might experience and heart break. You want to protect them -but a big part of me wants them to push past it all and come out on top. Be the kind of kid who is someone's hero. And if they are in the position where they need a hero, they need someone to be there for them in a darkness - I want need them to have that. Be bigger than they think they can be. Be more. Life is going to be hard. And I want them to speak up. I want to see how big their brave is. 

All of this is to say, I hear this song and I think - this is it. What I want need for my babies. I want them to have the strength  - because lord knows I don't know how I will. I'm paralyzed with fear for what lies ahead of them.  In talking to some friends, seasoned moms, of how I was feeling this little piece of advice has stayed with me: you make sure they know that they are loved completely and unconditionally. And then I hope the rest will work out. 

I hope they do- know that I love them. With everything. And when the times comes they will have that behind them. To be amazing.


Brave - Sara Bareilles
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you 

Clear Thinking

A girls day out at the zoo - don't let the photo fool you -
JJ WAS having a really good time before I broke for a photo op.

The end is near. No, I'm not talking about The Rapture.  As I write this, the countdown is ON. 1 (very short) week from yesterday is the last night of my maternity leave. Depending on timezones, one might say even less by the time I press publish.

First, let's get the disclaimers out of the way:

• We are a blessed family in all kinds of ways - including having two happily working parents. We love our jobs, the companies we work for, the things we do and who we work with.
• I'm happy to be able to have a job to go back to. 
• My maternity leave + vacation time brought us most of the way through the 4 months I am able to take advantage of. The remainder, while unpaid, we made it work.  Planning ahead as best we could and changing our plans made it work. Missing a visit home, that sucked. Not falling down the Target hole of spending, yeah that was easy (enough).  That said, I have a sneaking suspicion after the holidays? Target is going to get hit hard by yours truly. Bam.

Are we clear? Good.


I am excited to go back to work, to get started on some projects that I know are going to be on my plate and the possibility of the projects in the future.  My job is something I have been trying to work on for years. I'm lucky. And if I may be so bold, more than luck? I worked hard. I work hard.

Are we clear? Good.

Let me also make it clear the last few months have been special. Beyond special.  With L, the experience was tainted. For a month, we went through the hardest in our life (thus far, and if I may be so bold - I'm all set with levels of hard times).  When we got home things moved so quickly - family and friends came and went, our au pair arrived sooner than it turned out we needed help and the next thing I knew the adult to baby ratio was 3:1 and life was different. It was important to me this time that things were different than the first time around.  The last few weeks it's just been me & my girls. Of course we had the family come and go and some serious help for the first few weeks but this time was different. Success.  For the last few weeks it's been me & my girls.  Some days were more tiring than others and without my baby daddy I may have gone mental.... but when I look back at our blessings - the last few weeks shine. Even though as I type this I'm fairly certain I have some dried puke on my shoulder. It's been a refocusing time - spotlighting what really matters.

Next week, I'm back to work but I'll do all it takes to stay focused so that when it's time to shut down I can do so.  And make sure I still get to spend times with my family, because they are what is important. And while I won't be with my girls during the day - like I can be now - I'll be able to focus on them with a different kind of energy.

Are we clear? Good.

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to review this here post when or if things get foggy. No one is perfect, least of all me.

Our Girls

I have so much to say and so little energy to do so.  It's a happy exhaustion (for now). I reserve the right to have a freak out at another time. But now? This picture captures it all.

Our girls.

A new nightly routine of snugging out in our bed.  All my loves.

It's lovely.