Thursday, May 24, 2007

How much does a cankle weigh?

First, maybe you aren't aware of the definition of the biggest aliment that plagues my day. From the Urban Dictionary:

Noun. The absence of a defined ankle on a person - whereby the calf of the leg merges directly into the foot. The calf appears to replace the ankle - hence the term "cankle".


Noun. A grossly malformed, disproportionate, and tree stump-like ankle that seamlessly merges into the calf, so that there is no singular "ankle" or "calf".

"Whoa, did you see the cankles on the chick? Looks like she has tree stumps for legs!"

Yup. So anyway, back to the question at hand, how much DOES a cankle weigh.

SO last week I gained over 10 lbs from last month's doctor appointment- which freaked me out. It's only been a month, and while I'm growing at speeds I didn't know was possible- I knew I didn't gain 10 lbs!

When I asked her about it she looked down in the direction of what would be my ankles.

She isn't worried because most of the weight is water weight. It's humid out, I walked to the hospital (where my doctor visit is) and my cankles were in full effect. Apparently the doctor, who was previously cautious, is now not based on the sausage toes and tree trunk cankles. She kept pressing everything all the way up to my knees, almost in amazement- as she checked out the water in my limbs.

I told her I cut out salt, my food is bland- apparently while she wouldn't recommend me going out and eating a bag of Tostitos- salt doesn't do this. Nope so eating all of my food with no salt, cutting down on delicious pickles or feeling guilty that maybe just maybe something that I ate is turning me into a tree, not necessary.

For some pregnant people - apparently the lucky ones, this is "part of the symptoms." I know I do no things in a small way, and pregnancy has been now different. For some it's worst than others, and for some it starts sooner- for me, I am that "some." And then she goes on to tell me- this is the beginning...

Of the end. I am going to have to be in a wheel chair by July 4th. I will not see the summer, will I? Nope, because the mere hint of humidity or shoes- any kind make my feet rise like a loaf of bread and my ankles go into hiding.

To conclude the story, the following morning when I could see my ankles for the few hours we had together I did what anyone would do. I found out exactly how much cankles weigh.

Just about 10 lbs.

(the C is for Cankle)

Bump Watch 2007

While I'm against it, I have too many requests for it. Want to see how fast I'm blowing up. Enjoy. Each month I'll add another. Is it a coincidence that I'm wearing the same thing? No. It's for effect people.

- big belly buddha

Thursday, May 17, 2007

What the Buttafuoco is going on here?

I have no idea what to say about this, other than the fact- that if you haven't seen it yet- you will. Apparently Joey Buttafuoco and the Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher are dating. And the tag line... What the Buttafuoco is going on here?

This tag line immediately gets me entrenched into an entertainment update. Have you ever just took a list of what is featured? Well I did, they included such late breaking news like Paris Hilton is going to jail- ah sweet justice. Britney has a new wig. Porn starts getting married, more on Anna Nicole- of course what's a day with out her? I mean, how is it they are finding so much coverage on her? It's literally been months at this point.

What the Buttafuoco, indeed.


Saturday, May 12, 2007

note to self

Sometimes people don't get our humor.

Imagine our surprise when we found out that upon reading our profile that my mom thought that our profile was true. So on the side after sessions of tonsil hockey C and I attended salsa lessons. And when we weren't listening to the Bacon Brothers we were watching Glitter or flipping through our collection of porn while brushing out our mullets.

There are some things that were true and some just put for fun- you be the judge.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

May Day May Day

Tuesday morning, 5/8/07 started as any last minute trip would start. The Friday before I found out I would be going to New York for work to meet with a Newsday reporter. Now for those of you not familiar with Strong Island,  Newsday is the bee's knees of journalism. So off I go, 7 am to arrive to the airport to board flight #1003. All signs pointed to the unimaginable --I was going to be taking off on time.

As I continued to read my book I realized that we had not taken off yet, despite the announcements that we were preparing for take off. 15 minutes later the pilot informs us that there was a minor technical error, but all was well now and we will be taking off shortly. And take off we did!!!

Until about 3/4 of the way up something happened. The noise could only be described as an engine blowing out. Which is pretty much perfect, the jolt of the mystery noise felt like we clipped a large bird. The jolt also resulted in the woman to my left to jump on my lap.

After the noise, the plane was quiet - the men looked panicky and kept looking around. The woman next to me, after she got off my lap, was muttering something. Me- I continued to read. I chose to ignore everything and continue to enjoy my book and 36 DirectTV channels in my glorious leather seats. That was until I noticed the new noise, or lack thereof. We were gliding- back and forth and it seemed to have an eerie silence- as if we lost power. But I continued to read, it was only after I looked out my window and noticed we were circling the ocean that I began to worry. Thoughts started rushing through my head- where the hell did she say the raft was? Are they preparing for a water landing? Do I grab my ID and put it on my person? Yup it’s true- it got that dark. But yet, I continued to flip pages. I did not want to appear worried.

Well between the first assessment of the original noise (engine blowing out) and the new non-noise (silence) it turns out I should be an engineer because after the fourth circle over the water the pilot came on again to inform us that the “little bump” we might have felt was an engine failing and we have lost power in that engine. The details are a little blurry since the woman next to me kept saying, “Just don’t tell us, just don’t tell us, no don’t tell us.” But from what I could gather, the ‘good news’ was that they can land with the power that remains and we will be turning back to Boston. It’s at this point I stop reading and start looking like a crazy person- I immediately start laughing hysterically and crying.

We get back to Boston and they actually have another, fully functional plane ready to get us to NY. We board that plane and before we take off the pilot (same crew as the first plane) gets back on the speaker and starts with “All right folks, let’s try this again.”

After that, I get to NY with out any additional incidents. Once I arrive to the school I sit down and have lunch with the staff and teachers after about 30 minutes I find out in passing that, “That sucks about the Newsday reporter canceling.”

Yes, sucks it does.

-Lady Guachino

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

"I think the baby has your nose."

On April 24th we got the first look at the little rug rat. While there were not 2 babes in this belly of mine, it turns out they were wrong about the due date. The new and (frankly) improved due date will be September 15, 2007! That means in the morning I was 17 weeks pregnant, however when I left the doctor's office I was 19 weeks along, that was almost half way. As of today- I am 22 weeks. The countdown continues.

Same picture but the red circle is around the ARM- with his or her fist in the air- just like his or her mommy!

Close up of the face and hand above the nose.

This kids going to be cute... I mean how could it be any other way?

Friday, May 4, 2007

Rock the Vote

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

next comes C in the baby carriage

Yea, we move fast. That's how we roll.

I'm knocked up.

At first I thought that the salmon at Lingo's salad bar but it turns out that wasn’t so. I was in denial for a bit but randomly one fine night I pulled over at the Crimetown CVS and got a test. We passed the test that changed our life. Instantly.

You don't even know how many things you can't do when you're preggers. And some things are recommended, not necessary- but who wants to take the chance? And EVERYONE is a doctor- unsolicited advice comes from all angles, from all people- strangers included. The weirdest thing is I started to crave things I don't even like and HATE things I love. Between the knock down drag out headaches, nausea 24/7 (what about morning sickness- nope 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), stomach cramps, bloating... the works the first three months were less then desirable. And when I just about thought I couldn’t take another day- seriously, all of a sudden, I felt better. So the rumors are true, trimester 2 is where you want to be. The only downside is it's only 1/3 of the incubation period.

Well better is relative, I am not as tired, I don’t feel sick constantly, and I feel more ‘normal.’ Now I’ve read all the books – What to Expect When Your Expecting, Pregnancy for Dummies, Belly Laughs, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, and Pregnancy: When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable. I told you, I’ve read all the books and let me save you time…

Tips & Heads Up:

1. 2 out of 3 of the trimesters will be horrible, if you are lucky.
2. There are woman in the world that love the 9 months. They are not lying, they are just crazy. Ignore crazy people.
3. Cooking meat may cause gagging- husbands beware, you may just have to become a vegetarian- deal with it.
4. Runny nose: also a fun ‘side effect’ of being knocked up. Yup- so you get fat, swollen, cranky, tired and all with the sniffles.
5. Get ready to get violent when you hear the oh so often uttered, “I am so fat” from all of your friends.
6. Don’t be alarmed, that’s not a foghorn, that’s your arse.
7. You may start eating like a 3rd grader- that’s okay. Fruit juice and mac & cheese is a perfectly good meal.
8. You will start going to bed earlier than a 3rd grader.
9. Cankles, they are not a mysterious creature- they might be your reality.
10. Get ready to loose eye contact, eyes will dart directly to your torso- “how are you doing” will be directed to your abdomen and ridiculously growing chest. The latter sounds great, but guess what? Not so much.

More to come.

-J to the Guarro

then comes marriage

9 23 06 was a great day, from beginning to end. The morning was great and relaxed. J was a little late, due to last minute beauty regimens- but got back to the hotel in enough time to have a little something to drink and eat before heading off to the church. The church was hysterical- our Priest couldn't have been funnier.

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"Put that on your fridge."

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We wrote our own vows and laughed and cried through them- as is typical of us. The whole thing from beginning to end couldn't have been better. While it was a little rainy in the morning, when the ceremony was over and it was time to go outside the sun came through the clouds- showing that we both had some people looking over and out for us. It wasn't until the Greco crew took their places for a picture that the sun came through the clouds and we all noticed that there in the background was Terrytown- knowing that Pop was giving us a not so subtle sign that he made it to the big day. It was a very special day.

There was crying, but mostly- there was lots of laughing!
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The wedding party took our time to get to the reception - we hit a random bar. But of course, ever random as we are.

The reception was beautiful- so much fun. The place was amazing, Patriot Hills in Stony Point, NY. The people there were so wonderful- especially Gina. G as we called her really did everything for us- we didn't have to think of anything. You might hear about the 'bridezillas' out there and many thought they might get a sighting of one on the 23rd, but not with G there to save the day. We forgot things like a cake topper, for example- who thinks of that? Anyway, she took some flowers and arranged them on the cake and made it more beautiful than we expected. Who knew cakes could be pretty?? She took care of us from beginning to end. Miss that B.

I don't think the dancing stopped- it was dance party USA, even if the DJ didn't listen to us and did his vegas announcing- we couldn't hate him too much because we did dance like it was 1999. The only compliant, he left a very important song at home... but we brought SexyBack anyway. It really does go so so fast. Everyone says it- but I don't think you really believe it. Any memories that you might have, we're happy to reminisce. We are trying to get as many memories as possible.

Lots of the memories were captured by our photographer. We had the very best person to capture the event, I'd love to put all the pics here! Dave did a great job of getting moments in a print. He also couldn't have been nicer to work with. Dave was fantastic from beginning to end. If need a photographer for any reason or you are getting married or know someone who is- have them take a look at his portfolio (we are littered through there as well). Tell Dave we said HELLO!

The full details of this glorious evening are difficult to recap. A day of adventure it was on the 23rd of September.

In absolutely no particular order:

After the ceremony, after the family pictures, with time to burn we stop off at a bar / restaurant to have a few drinks. Since it took so long to get there, we thought we lost the photographer. C called him and he stepped into the room. They had been there- Dave was in the parking lot shooting pictures through the windows. Wherever you were, they would come from the ceiling to get a shot.

“He was mangled.”

Lisa strikes again, and jumps on a man’s lap and says, “Sexy pose” as she is draped over the man’s lap as the wife was standing to the side. The identity of this couple, was eventually discovered- of course it had to be C's boss' husband. Class act, the wedding was a class act. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Jezebelle's husband getting so drunk that by 8:45 he has to switch to Diet Coke- after hearing what time it is in disbelief because it’s not possible to be any drunker- especially that early.


Hava Nagila- the chairs, Lee taking a digger. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Yanni. There was whispering, there was falling, there was laughing.

C busted my bussell.

Brother taking a digger, falling off his chair, almost taking down a table after doing shot for shot with Tommy and Kdog. Mother (J & Brother's mom) standing up demanding to know "WHO did this to my baby?"

After being put to bed by Tommy, Brother returns, to then be escorted back up to his room. He tries one side of an entire wing of doors on the 2nd floor… when asked “You don’t remember your room number?” He says, “Room 234” which is another wing of the floor.

Darby gets left in Mahwah, NJ.

Yanni and Mike go to the bar and feel tough- they’ll get a Jameson. As Mike took the shot he immediately spit it out all over the bar. He would have thrown up if he took it.

A reuniting of old flames, a hook up here and there as the story is told.

They called last call, they put the sprinkler on. They turned out the lights. We finally said, I guess we have to go now. And off the remainder of the people took different paths.

One pair's story included illegal use of a conference room that was busted up by a random. In searching for a new love hideaway they toured the DoubleTree stopping along the way- until a random man would come upon them. Not the same person that busted up their conference room affair- but he was the same random man who was walking up and down Jezebelle's hall screaming “AMY! AMY!” He also attempted to break down Jezebelle's door- at one point they did fear their door had been taken down.

An appearance of Snotty Scotti, an alter ego of one of C's friends from college that comes out after drinking vodka.

Mike gets dropped off at the train station in NJ.

In the morning when C was packing up his suitcase, he found his shirt had a bit of throw up on it? Not quite sure how or when it got there- but there it was. How romantico!!!
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first comes love

The story is an oldie but a goody- it's a little bit of history.

Picture it University of Hartford circa 1998: J a freshman with a bullhorn and a mission running around campus and C visiting his best friend from high school having no idea that these two star crossed lovers would be walking down the aisle 7 years later.

Timing never a friend to the couple, years pass and a friendship grows. Camping trips, weekends at 67 Chester Street, barbeques, parties- these two nicknamed Mama and Daddy would always be paired to help organize! Food fights, games, mayhem and madness would always ensue- and behind it all a crush that is never talked about.

Fast-forward to New Years Eve 2002- C has moved to Hoboken, NJ and has jumped into the dating game. Over drinks the conversation turns- C needs a lesson on kissing. What’s a friend but someone willing to help another friend out? Minutes later a group has gathered in the kitchen to see Jenn and C kissing in the corner- with lots of work ahead of him- J advises to just keep practicing- it has to get better with practice. She hopes.

A few years later, a wedding brings them together once again. This time things are different- looking back they both felt it but was unsure if the other felt the same way. Something about the air, the environment- you couldn’t have asked for a better day. A weekend full of friends, fun and celebration brings the couple to a wedding. A night of dancing- dropping it like it’s hott and a ride home. C joins J, sharing a seat when there was plenty of room for everyone to have their own seat. Finally timing works for C & J- no one knows who kissed who or why- it was meant to be the kind of situation and kiss you only see in the movies. A romantic comedy of course, look at the characters. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Reality sets in and Chris returns to his home, at the time, sunny California. It is here he reviews the “Rules” and practically drives Jenn to a nervous breakdown. A call doesn’t come until 3 days later- per the Rules guidelines. Timing once again rears its ugly face- after days of waiting a call comes and Jenn’s cell phone dies. She returns to work to finally have the conversation… nerves set in, and hence comes the most awkward phone conversation ever taken place on this earth. After weeks of phone calls- that get better, of course and many many emails the only thing to do is to plan a visit.

J plans a trip to San Francisco to test the waters- since she was not raised a fool she brings a wing man just in case! My B chaperons J and C for a few days- however it turns out they didn’t need a buffer. They were just fine. Better than fine. They realized this is not just a crush.

The timing curse rears his ugly head-  C moves to Boston, MA and J takes a transfer with her job to Long Island, NY. Over a year of long distance, 4-8 hour traffic filled drives, phone connections rattled with “Can you hear me now?” and then a new complication. The addition of Abelle- a puppy that needed attention, love and considered whenever a trip was planned. While the commute terrible- the relationship grew and strengthened.

In October of 2005, as they started to pack J up to make the move back to Boston- so that they would finally be in the same city a hiccup of poor timing might have just been the most perfect way to ask J to be C’s wife.

Living in the same city- the stories continue and the story only develops.
(c) 2007 all rights reserved. aka don't be a D and swipe any content, photos, etc - sucka. Should you be tempted, let me know so I can be flattered and then give me something write about.