Friday, August 31, 2007

Check Ups and Carnies

This week's appointment was really no different than the usual. As usual, the nurse- Ann (aka Debbie Downer) came in to make sure she could take the fun and anticipation of the new arrival and make it all as boring and blah as possible. Plus she's judgey. Which aggravates me. If she is one of those boob pushers in the hospital I'm going to klock her. No doubt. I'm hoping her "expertise" stay at the prearrival office visits. The doctor came in asked how I was doing, to which I replied - "Still Pregnant." I've been having more fo'contractions. Super fun. They start - and I wait for a pattern and for them to get stronger. What happens? Nothing. Another thing that doesn’t happen to everyone, but of course happens to me are these Braxton Hicks contractions. I dislike Braxton Hicks- whoever he/she may be. For the last two days they have been happening more often. But with no pattern and clearly they aren't getting stronger. But I think as I started talking about the hopes that they would just get going, and how I am ready - she looked at my cankles with a face of sadness. She looked up at me and recognized the desperation in my eyes.

It's then I got an offer I never thought I would get. An offer for a sympathy internal exam. She literally cocked her head to the side, with eyes of pity and said, "You want me to do a cervix exam?" I asked her- almost hopeful, (pathetically, I will admit) "You think I need it? You think you should?" I was hopeful that she would say - yes. But alas, she said "No."

Now I ask, why the F would I WANT a cervix exam if it was not necessary> NO thank you.

I talked to my mom on the way to my next stop of the day where she gave me some uncomfortable advice. Like to get the baby moving I needed “Carm, Chinese food, and to walk.” I asked her 2 or 3 times to repeat it- because I didn’t’ get the carm part- finally she spelled it out for me. S P E R M. She had never actually said carm, it was just what I was hearing, probably because my body was rejecting this kind of advice from my mother.

From there with no new or good news to share I was off to a treat. I got the nicest gift for Mother's Day in May. The best Dad to be gave me a gift certificate for a massage. I called last week to make an appointment for last Saturday- but the woman I spoke with said that the air conditioning was broken. There was no way that I was subjecting myself to that- so I made an appointment for Thursday, after my appointment. I figured no new or good news would be had so I’d need a pick me up.

I filled out 3 pages of paperwork and waited for the magic to happen. Although truth be told- I was slightly nervous. When I had originally called the information the woman gave me on the other line, after the no a/c head’s up for the previous week was a bit unclear. She kept asking if I wanted to have a male or female masseuse. I told her – I didn’t care- I did want a firm massage though. She said they could, but being that I was pregnant they couldn’t be firm on my lower back. Which I’m still unclear as to why. But either way- I was excited for the firm massage. She said, well I will be your masseuse. To which I replied (because frankly she sounded like a mouse) “Ok, and honestly I can have a male masseuse- I really am hoping for a firm massage. Is there a lot of nudie?” She said no, not really and she would see me on Thursday.

I should have gone with my gut because after waiting up crawled my teen princess mouse of a masseuse – she shook my hand like a dead fish. And her hands were tiny like a carnies. Literally her hand fit in my palm with maybe an inch over. No joke. No exaggeration.

This became less of an issue because of the way they prop up a whale with pillows. It was actually surprisingly comfortable and I have now found a new love for pillows. While she can prop a girl up- with her carnie hands she didn’t work the magic. Ultimately it was a great experience because it was super relaxing and when I got home I slept better than I have slept in forever (with a little help from my friend, Bennie) and today felt fantastic. For the next weeks of which I will be knocked up I will continue with my new habit. I’ll be getting rub downs, but not from carnies. I need someone up for the job, strong hands- like bull.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Bump Watch 2007

gD this bump watch.

I didn't flippin' drop. My own husband is lying to me. He learns a new word / term and throws it around like a boy would once drop L bombs to get some.

I'm going to be preggers for an eternity.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Abelle's Brotha from another Motha

Can you imagine having a Giant walk into your home?

We went to the Shan & Sean's to meet Brady - this adorable pup- a "min-pin" that I freaking love. I'm usually not a cat dog fan, however I'm converted. He is literally smaller than the length of Abelle's tail. And while C was afraid Abelle was going to hurt Brady- guess who did? Sasquatch. Yours truly. I wasn't in the apartment for more than 5 minutes before kabluewy I stepped down on his little body faster than you could say "Holy jesus, he's smaller than your cankles."

-Sasquatch Sally

Friday, August 24, 2007

Status Update

No baby in sight. I repeat no baby in sight.

Well, kind of. It turns out it's getting so crowded up in there- that while according to the doctor it's not time yet (but to be fair she didn't exactly check, if you know what I mean). She felt around, moved baby G around- made sure to confirm (s)he is still head down but in the process of it all pissed him or her off. Apparently the babe was comfortable where (s)he was so for the following hour or so (s)he tried to get back to wherever (s)he was feeling it.

As a result, I was pretty sure that the child was literally going to be coming out of my belly - but through my stomach- not the good ol'fashion way.

The other night I was convinced that someone had given my child a weapon or something because whatever was literally cutting through my abdomen was not the usual foot or elbow. I'm talking nunchucks or a machete in possession. I lay screaming in pain on the couch, C came RUNNING in, almost tripped over the changing table that was oddly placed in the living room after we put it together- running through the staged curtains, panic in his eyes.

Silly rabbit- he thought I was in labor or something favorable like that. Nope, no such luck. Just our very own flesh and blood torturing mommy for laughs.

*this pictures is a dramatization, no real people were injured as a result- we believe it to be a photoshop masterpiece. NOT my buddha.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Drop It Like It's Hott

C thinks I have 'dropped.' This means that the baby is heading south and getting ready to make his or her appearance...

IN 2-4 weeks OR more.
Thursday we go back to the doctor... and it's time to ask some questions- and hopefully get some answers. I need at this point to know some numbers, like effacement or dilation. All very personal questions, all that I will immediately share.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

License to Birth

We are now certified to have this baby.

Thanks be.

A full day course in baby delivery started at 8 am. We of course, may or may not have been a BIT late. Just 5 minutes- but the good news is 2 other couples came in after us, so we weren’t the last ones in. There were 11 couples, including us, and much to "mom’s" disappointment- none ended up being new friends. I thought we’d find a new friend there. Alas- we were the most immature. As usual. Laughing the entire time. I couldn’t hold it together.

Just like our pre-cana oh so long ago… (just about a year) we were outcasts. There were 3 other younger couples. The first the meathead brigade- they came 30 min late and never returned after lunch. The second couple seemed to be high school sweethearts- and may have still been in high school, but were more mature than us. And a final couple, which was closest to look like we could trade emails and be birth buddies or something- were a bit too quiet- and truth be told we may have put them off by our consistent (yet smart) banter. Oops. Everyone though, all in all, was earth mother- my body's a vessel preggers. Loving life, loving pregnancy, loving everything.

We had to go around in a circle and say our names (each of us), when the due date was, and something that surprised us about the pregnancy.

C's surprise: "How much the baby moves."
My surprise: "The whole thing- from beginning to end- the swelling, the ankles, from begining to end- the whole thing surprises me. All of the time, every day." I do believe that was my quote.

Some b's suprise- the female counterpart of team telemundo... "How great I feel." I hated her from that moment on.

While we didn't make any friends at class- we did get to make up fun names- like the meathead brigade. The names pretty much described the couple or one part of the couple. Like Pinky-nobra who spent the majority of class with her hands down her pants- as you'd imagine Homer Simpson would, rubbing her belly and south of that- she was quite comfortable. We were not. She had a pink shirt on, no bra and no shame. Bedrest Betty and CO. who was granted 'time off' bed rest to attend this class- yet we saw her speed walking to the deli that we like around the corner from the hospital. Sweet 16- this is the high school sweethearts that might still be in high school- too cool for school though. Team Telemundo - a wonderful Latin couple who was super sweet but one of those lovey dovey couples that kind of makes you want to barf. Very passionate through everything.

Including the labor stages exercise where we all had to go around and try different coping methods to relax and get through contractions; this was later on in the afternoon. There was a lot of massaging- which I appreciated but the swaying and the slow breathing and in your face counting (that is just want it sounds like) is not so much for me. C is afraid at this point and truly does not know what to do with himself when this all goes down. The class has taught him things not to do- like for example if he gets in my face and starts counting, he'll loose a limb. We had to simulate contractions with a bag of ice. Like contractions feel like frozen hands?? Some of the woman were like "Oooh this is hard- breath breath breath." I couldn't help the eye rolling.

No wonder no one wants to be friends with us.

The instructor, a RN who works on the labor unit- fabulous woman (truly) who was just Suzy Sunshine to the 10th degree- perfectly lovely and perfectly positive in every way. A big hit with me, you know.

She started the morning, going through some of the ins and outs - mostly outs and then the fun begins, with a video. Suzy Sunshine introduces it by saying, “Now the videos are for educational purposes, they are not meant for prime time T.V. and a bit too graphic for not yet 9 a.m.” With a set up like this, who knew what was going to happen? The movie itself was interesting… it was half claymation half crazy people. The claymation was educational – it was good to see how it was all going to go down in slow motion. It really showed the hell slowly- ah the magic of movies. The claymation baby was faceless- that didn’t sit well with C. And as the claymation baby went from the uterus to the vaj-j and welcomed into the world the movie would cut to ‘real’ life couples who would impart their wisdom and tell them what it was like for them. There are apparently 3 stages of labor. Here’s a lesson- again something no one tells you- it’s not just one thing- oh no, there are three things you have to go through, there are stages with in the journey to hell and back. Of course- one thing or stage would be too easy. No, let’s really test woman and put them through three things.

Side note- as I did a little / quick research on the 3 Stages again to see the timing on it I learned something ELSE new. Freaking Suzy Sunshine and her stupid claymation video flipping lied to us. Not only are there 3 Flipin’ Stages and the first freaking stage has 3 gD phases. Son of a bitch.

Prelabor: this here is the prelude to the fun. The contractions begin, waters breaking, reality sets in that this is it. For some, it goes “quickly” like 8 hours- for others (read here: this will be me) it could last as long as 24 hours.

• Active Labor: the endless cycle of contractions begin to get stronger and some coping strategies from Suzy Sunshine included slow dancing, rocking and picturing a happy place. Are you picturing this as something that will help me get through the estimated 2- 4 hours of intensive concentrated contractions?

• Transition: this is go time. This is when the baby really makes its way through- not the actual arrival as I believed originally. This is where I learned something new… Suzy didn’t mention the difference because this is just the 3rd phase in the first freaking stage. This part lasts 15 minutes – 1 hour.

All in all- this whole process here- just this first stage, minimally, could take 10 hours and 15 minutes- but let’s be honest.

I’m looking at 29 hours minimally. And no baby in sight at this point.

Let’s take a break here to quote the movie that we saw- in addition to the claymation they interviewed some freaks. One said….

“Early labor was really fun – we napped in-between contractions, went for a hike- it was a great day.”

Back to the breakdown of the ridiculousness that we learned about. After the 3 phases (of which Suzy did not explain clearly) we go to Stage 2 and 3.

• Now, originally I thought that the transitional stage included the big birth- but no. That’s it’s own stage. Pushing and Delivery (Thanks god for the books I have collected). Yup this was described as “This generally takes between half an hour and an hour, but can sometimes be accomplished in ten (or even fewer) short minutes or in two, three or even more very long hours.” Wow. That sounds fantastic. Who wants to bet that I will be enjoying this part for three or even more very long hours?

Hooray the baby arrives…. But wait, that’s not it.

• Final Stage… The Afterbirth Delivery. Doesn’t that just sound fantastic? This could take 30 minutes to an hour and a half. Not sure what that’s all about? Google it. It ain’t pretty.

All in all- stage 2 & 3 - could take up to 6 hours.

This is a total of up to 35 hours.

At one point in the training, two of the partners put on an empathy bellies- including steel balls to stimulate elbows in the ribs, constraining belts to simulate loss of breath- 35 pounds of extra weight in the belly and chest. Suzy made them pick up pens on the floor, lie down, try to "sleep" she really let them have it. For about 5 minutes. C lost it when one of the guys started moving around his breasts to get to things. C almost volunteered- if he had, I don’t know what I would have done. Pictures would have been a certainty of course!

I wanted to take a picture of Suzy’s favorite props – a pelvic bone structure and a doll. Suzy would break this out at any interval she could to relive the nightmare of how it is all going down. While I couldn’t take pictures of her- because I was skating on thin ice anyway, good news (finally): Google Images came through for me. We had to watch this several times as she talked about the miracle of childbirth.

The last video we watched had three “real life” situations and the moral of the story was to have an “Open Mind to Birth” because basically how you want it to go, it won’t. So the mom to be who envisioned getting her epidural in the car, didn’t end up being able to have it cause the idiot waited too long. Her response?

”I was quite disappointed when I heard I couldn’t have the epidural.”

No cursing, no screaming, not so much as a frown. "Real life" my ass.

Another woman wanted to go through it naturally but after 24+ hours of hell she opted for an epidural.

“Is she here?”

Now while that sort of response would usually make me smile, the circles of hell I had to watch her go through does not put any kind of smile on this face. This face may never smile again.

Another thing to note- no one likes clothes when going through this process. I myself am not down with that. But I guess only time will tell. I will say though, if I never see another nipple, hear the words cervix or vagina again- it will be too soon. Between the videos and Suzy Sunshine - I've had it.

Bottom line, we learned a lot- more than I thought we could. Now C knows where to bring me- now I know where I will be tortured. And in good news- the floor where I'll be the 2-4 days after the big day has wireless Internet and a great deli a 5 minute walk away. Silver linings- it’s all I have left.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Oscar Worthy

Friday we had a plan to take off from work- run some errands and just hang out. And see Superbad. We've been looking forward to the movie for awhile- not going to lie.

The movie itself, it wasn't that bad- honestly. But it wasn't that good either. As we walk out of the theatre we are pounced on by the paparazzi- now I know why Brit has gone kookoo- they are hounds. And they wanted to know our thoughts on the movie. C ran, he wanted no part of it- I couldn't stop laughing. They asked me questions like "Was it Superbad or SUPER good??" "Would you go again- recommend it to a friend?" Etc.

My thoughts truly, I couldn't have said on TV- like for example, "I wasn't nearly high enough to enjoy the comedy- as the majority of the theatre was." I didn't want to say that, next thing you would know DSS would have been pounding at my door.

Or maybe- “I was totally taken back by the cursing – who many times can one hear the word c*ck? I mean between the language and the drawings- I’m all c*cked out.” That wouldn’t have made it to primetime.

I kept it real, as I laughed at C behind the camera making fun...

Where’s My Movie? – Video Coverage
Reel Reviews (08/17/2007)


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Ring the Alarm

The time is near. The time is here….

but not quite yet.

I am sitting on the couch, or at my desk, or in the car and it hits me. A cramp. A pull. A hope that this is it.

It is not.

It happens every once in awhile, but not to return> ahh until a pattern shows itself. Although I'm told when you go into labor, you'll know. But then there are those crazy stories about going into a bathroom- and boom you meet your baby in the most unusual place not knowing it was labor, they thought it was gas. How do I know what I'm dealing with here?

This morning at work we had a meeting- for those of you that don't know I work at a crazy place that has random and wild themes from time to time- anyway. There we are in a meeting a theme situation was out there- so the meeting was light and fun. Where we are going over the numbers- where we are, where we need to go- we're talking goal we're talking focus, we're talking the entire office staff. And I get the giggles. The reason and trigger- doesn't really translate. Doesn't really matter.

I got the giggles- so badly that I was coughing in a way that made me sound like I was almost 'barking' like a seal. No video to capture no picture… just imagine. Barking seal.

Those around me, laughed- as I laughed until I cried. And at one point I do believe I had a few scared I was going to burst. At one point, I had a spotter- in formation- as if the child was going to shoot out of me like a cannon. I do believe the quote was “I gotta get ready- this kid going to come flyin out!” Ah if only it was that easy, god bless. I’m talking she did a lunge and squatted and cradled her hands ready to make the big catch.

Me? I hear stories, I read book- I see postings... the potential of a disaster happening is high. And I'm not talking contractions, I'm talking laughing so hard I pee my pants. It happens- and thanks be Jesus it did not happen to me at a hall meeting.

That would be an entry you wouldn't have expected.

How’s it going? Is the question of the day, week, month…. The answer?

Still preggers.


Monday, August 13, 2007

Fat Girl... With a Little Coat! (No More)

So the sweater that I began wearing at the start of this journey is one of my favs. In the interest of keeping it, I didn't put it on. First, it's too depressing,and all I can think of seriously is Chris Farley- my apologies if you have no clue what my coat comment makes reference too. Second I'd like it to keep some kind of shape.

The outfit is changing a bit, but I tried to keep the colors. Updated bump watch below- enjoy!

Update in terms of how it is going... I'm starting weekly visits with the doctore. And the "innards" visits start this week- which means that they'll start figuring out how things are going... and which also means my happy visits to the doctor are now going to become weekly dreaded girl doctor visits. And the fun just keeps on hitting. (sorry- may be too much info- but you want the truth- you come here).

I've been getting some crazy cramping, which I have just been informed is false labor pains which is just preparing me- oh how mother nature loves to f with us. At one point they were a bit painful this weekend I stopped walking, grabbed my stomach and closed my eyes. When I opened them, C looked like he might have had an adult accident and some other people were looking from afar zoned in me as if I was a local circus act about to burst. Awesome. Being gawked is super fun... the fun just keeps on hitting.

According to the last appointment (Thursday) the baby is head down, however according to the Debbie Downer RN we have "there is still time for the baby to move" so basically baby G is getting ready ... but the sh% can hit the fan and go array too at any minute. And the fun just keeps on hitting.

This weekend I worked 7 am - 4 pm each day and then hit the malls like a good MA shopper. That and I am going to keep busy until the dang day is here- even if my legs (tree trunks) go numb in the process. "Tax free" weekend is just a small savings, but pile that on with coupons and gift cards galore- it feels like a shopping spree! We finished up any and all home goods ever needed (or not needed but impulse grabbed) and we are now officially done with our wedding registry for the most part. The people at the sales counters can get super awkward when they don't know your wedding date and you look like you are about to bust- and you are buying off your own registry. Wedding Tip: register where they give you a % off of completing your registry- and complete your registry 8 months preggers. Super fun! I also bought some more books, since my collection of pregnancy books are officially read and memorized. Of the books purchased- "Modern Mom Survival Guide" and "The Everything Breast Feeding Book" of course if they had the Dummies version (which they make) I would have gotten that. Wow- let me tell you, with all those people pushing the boob like the new meth habit to have, you'd think there would be someone other than books to give you the horror stories. Oh wait they do, and they sell them under the guise that they are 'helpful books.' Gawd damn- it sounds awful. Don't worry (mom) I'm still going to subscribe to the cult, but I am looking forward to it even less. I basically read up all night on how horrible life is going to be working as a milk machine. Jesus.

Finally, I leave you with this... well this AND the bump watch.

This week C is on the road- working from the NJ office. Of course it would only be too perfect if the time comes and he is in Dirty Jerz... it won't but oh how fun if that is how the story goes down! Stay tuned.

t minus 32 days, officially. (could happen in 5!)
-j to the G

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

What a Scene

The following is a true account of a true story, that 1/2 of me wishes I had pictures to prove it.

My Buddha has become a catch all. Anything that drops, doesn't fall to the ground, it hits the belly. This includes, but is not limited to, anything at all I try to eat. For whatever reason there is a magnetic pull from whatever fills my utensils to my stomach. It's automatic that daily by 12:15 pm you will know what I ate for lunch, because it appears on my stomach like a Care Bear Stare!

This day was no different than any other day, so when I ate my tomato soup for lunch, there it went splatted, all over my stomach only further accentuating my belly. I went to the ladies room to try to clean the stains and while I was there, took care of business. I attempted to get the stains out (yes more than one). My stomach ended up getting totally soaked, and I tried to walk back to my desk. I walked through the kitchen of my floor, at work. Now this kitchen is more of a cafeteria area. It has about 10 long tables in it; each table fits about 8 comfortably. I'd say the kitchen/eating area was about 25% full- but people were in there, that's what important to note.

As I tried to blend, me and stain and water soaked shirt, walked through the room. And I was preoccupied with the fact that people looked to be staring, and I am sick of people staring at my Buddha. So back to the crowd, shielding my stomach stained shirt, I make my way across the room with my back to the group. However, something hit me. Some kind of breeze if you will... and that's when I realized it was happening to me.

I turned and slammed myself against the wall to shield the world from my bare and exposed ass. Yup. I had pulled up my underwear and inadvertently caught my skirt so I was sashaying through the room, (25%) full of people with my ass out. My big fat fabulous ugly as sin underwear showing as well as my tree trunk legs/thighs etc, seeing the light of day they have not seen in months. What a scene, but a true account, my friends, a true account.

Friday, August 3, 2007


Ah my D.O.C. it used to be bud light, but drink no more. Now I've moved onto the hard stuff, and what once stood for drink of choice now means much much more.

drug of choice

While my beloved bud light is forbidden, apparently what is allowed is a bennie. Oh how I love benadryl. I'm a new woman this fine morning, and it's all due to the bennie. And oh how I thought it was for allergies- but clearly it is so much more.

Maybe it's this substance free since February thing that has me so easily affected by a tiny little pink tablet, but I popped a bennie last night and have woke up changed.

I'm going to be careful, don't you worry- I can feel the concern already.

"What is she doing? Like young Hollywood we will see her spiral down a slippery slope of antihistamines, next stop antacids and poppin' Tylenol like it's going out of style. She'll be photographed with no shoes on, a shaved head and getting into fights on the street."

But the bennies were prescribed, just following doctor's orders. We had an appointment yesterday, and I've mentioned this our doctor doesn't have a TON of personality- nice woman but usually keeps to herself. Ever since the test, she's been opening up one appointment at a time. Yesterday, in addition to medicating me she took down my requests and dedications for the big day- D day. Under what circumstances I would like "instrumental assistance" during labor, etc. I let her know I wasn't married to good ol' fashion way of giving birth- whatever works. Whatever is fast and effective- much like the bennies. But if it looks like you need to purchase it at a Home Depot - no. Thank. You.  Honestly, I could get graphic here, but I won't. What I will leave you with is a direct quote from C-dog when reading through the 4 page contract that we have to sign on each page pointing out and illustrating in detail how horrible it is or could be.

"Damn. This is nasty."

t minus 15 - 42 days.
(c) 2007 all rights reserved. aka don't be a D and swipe any content, photos, etc - sucka. Should you be tempted, let me know so I can be flattered and then give me something write about.