Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Black Cats & Bird Sh%t

Today was my first day of maternity leave. Sure no baby to speak of, but the looks on people's face was reason enough to stay home. The endless questions like, how do you feel? Anything new? As if I had had the baby or was in labor but just didn't say anything. The worst part about it was, I was becoming a shell of myself, not so much able to laugh it off and made to feel bad for not being as chipper as I had been. What can you do? Well I thought it was time to start taking the time- as it's only a matter of time at this point? Right? And it's important to leave with some kind of semblance of sanity and hey, maybe even some friends!

My first order of business was to go see my friend at Urban Oasis. Last time she put a lot of love into my massage. Today, she talked to the baby (I have no idea what she said- as it was silent, through her breathing and mind) to try to get the baby to come on out. No word yet if this child is responding to her speech- apparently she really gave the baby a talking to- but I've been trying to talk this kid out since week 35... so a lot of good that'll do. I will say, she did not disappoint, and even if the baby stays put for a few more days I'm happy, relaxed and have a new hop to my step, again.

She and her hippie friend googled some natural ways to go into labor, because she knows that I don't want to end up being induced. Of course, intercourse comes up. Good lord, I wish people would just give it up on that one. YOU go have intercourse. I'm all set, thanks.

C picked me up- he took the day as well and we went to have a late lunch at a fabulous lunch place- Dave's Fresh Pasta in Davis Square. For serious- best sandwiches ever. Looks like great wine, fresh cheeses, pastas (obviously), the bread, the grilling... yum. We salute Mandy, who introduced us to this wonderful place.

On the way to lunch we got all kinds of turned around (no I was not driving, thank you) and then stuck. Behind a completely black cat. Who just stopped in the middle of the road. And stood there. Arched his back as black cats do, and probably hissed. That's a good sign? Right.

Wrong. But no worries, right before we sat down to eat C noticed that down the back of my shirt that I just took out of the laundry... bird shit. Up. I got hit.

So one black cat, one bird hit... and all before lunch. Great first day. Tomorrow I'm hoping to walk under a latter or break a mirror then throw salt over my shoulder to balance it out.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dear Diary,

I'm done. I think I've been a good sport. With the bloating, the fat clothes, the inability to wear any shoes but my smelly flip flops, the frequent urination, still I joked. I lost my summer, I've gained stretch marks. I can no longer walk and my usual jovial nature has turned into a bitter black spiralling hole of anger.

I've given up the beer I oh so love, I've passed up on the cheese I like and even look like a crazy person when ordering cold cuts and ask it be microwaved for 20 seconds to rid lunch of parasites. I have read books, magazine articles, reviews for everything that has been purchased for the baby and followed all the rules to the T.

In return I am 10 days late, and counting. I can't breathe, I can't walk and I have no more clothes that fit. I am met with sad eyes each time I see someone. In walking to the other side of the hall at work the entire floor of people turned their head and stared at me in disbelief as if they were witnessing a myth- the lockness monster or Yeti in their view- almost to stand up and yell "it's true you do exist."

I am a strong person, I have always believed, however each day that passes I loose yet another piece of myself. I go the doctors office- with a cheery disposition and new doctors that meet us say "Ooh boy ya'll are fun! I hope I get to deliver your baby." I just hope there is a baby after all of this and someone gets delivered because if it turns out after a second opinion (which I am seriously considering having) I found out I just got super fat this summer I'm going to pissed.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Who ISN'T Birthing?

Apparently only me.

Over the few days (since Saturday), every time I logged into my Google homepage, I was alerted to relevant news. Like celebrity gossip, Thank You
Now I ask you, who are most of these people? It doesn't even matter- there is apparently a baby boom in Hollywood- and whoever these people are, they are pissing me off. It's like my Google home page is giving me the finger. This afternoon I got another one, a big F U. I log in and who do I see but Tina freaking Yothers.....
I mean come on. Jennifer from Family Ties. What about me?? WHAT ABOUT ME?

Sunday, September 23, 2007


Today was our one year wedding anniversary. At one point, earlier in the day I realized this time, last year, my mom thought I had made a run for it.

I was MIA- I should have been at the hotel getting ready, but on my way to the hotel from getting my hair done I decided to get a mani & pedi... thought it would "just take a minute" but of course it did not. Instead I was about an hour late getting to the hotel- and by the time I checked my phone I had about 60 missed calls. I forgot my phone in the car. The people in the salon kept asking me if there was something special today- I said wedding. They would say what time... I would say in an hour or two- and a massive panic would come over their face. At one point I had literally 4 people on me- one on each hand and foot. It was great. They sure were panicked though. I couldn't see the clock from the seat, and I was confident I'd make it all in time- all I had to do was slip my dress on at this point. I had my hair done, my make up was caked on- what's the rush.

Midway through the beauty treatment I saw the clock and realized what the panic was all about. I also realized I left my phone in my car. I asked if I could run out and let someone know I was going to be a "little" late... and when I got to my car I saw the million missed calls. I listened to the messages.... KW left a few messages one of many saying

"I'm going to kill you. You stopped to get your nails done. Didn't you? Where are you? I'm going to kill you."

"It's me again, your mom is roaming the hallways. Where are you? I'm going to kill you."

Or while 1000 missed calls from her, only one message from my mom.

"Hey, it's mom. How are you? What are you doing? (trying to sound calm) Okay just calling to say hi. I don't want to bother you, but wondering... okay call me."

Apparently my mom was pacing the halls- trying not to show how nervous she was that I was a runaway bride. Everyone knew that was what she was worried about- that I'd never show. Ironic- here I sit wondering the same thing- where is MY child and after all of this- is (s)he not going to show?

This kid better have a good excuse... like I did.

Meanwhile, it's crazy to me to think that in one short year, how much everything has changed- or how slow time has moved because it feels like a lifetime away from that day.

Friday, September 21, 2007

What'd YOU do last weekend?

Word on the street is some couldn't see the slide shows posted.  Below I posted the albums, you have click into album cover below to go into the pictures. Hopefully this works, shoot me an email if it doesn't.

In addition to the hippie and awaiting the babe's arrival, we went domestic- and took a trip to Costco...

Pirates of the Costco

In posting those pics, I realized we didn't post our Labor Day adventures...

Labor Day Weekend 2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Beelzebub in the Hizous

1) I've officially turned into the devil after a certain point in the night. I'm mean. Straight up. My dad called last night, he said something to the effect of "I thought I would be talking to C..." so I threw the phone like a missile and it just about grazed his head. Turns out he thought he wouldn't be talking to me cause it was so late... that I'd be sleeping. He didn't know that it's not that I go to sleep early, it's just I loose my sense of humor or desire to communicate in words or have interpersonal contact. I usually resort to signs- like a monkey would use to communicate - like if I'm thirsty, I mime drinking. OR if ice cream is calling my name I'll fo' eat out of an imaginary mug.

2) Pinky-no-bra apparently has a similar doctors schedule that I do. For the 2nd time, post birth class- she has been in the office. Wearing the same shirt, same pants- and still no bra. I practically laugh in her face and I am likely going to hell. Debbie Downer actually confronted us today and asked if we were laughing at someone in the waiting room- I have no idea how she knew...

3) Still no baby. Not close, nothing has changed. At this point, they are going to let me go, for another week. Then they have to induce me. In the meantime, I have to be seen now 2x a week to make sure all is okay with the babe- and this just makes me cranky. The dr claims it could change at any point, however I'll believe that when I see that. I'm personally tired of her lies. I left a voicemail for my mom- and apparently the sound of my voice worried her she almost jumped on a train, thinking I was jumping off a building.

4) I’m obviously fit to be tied. It's clear- you would think. Sarcasm- which is the language of the devil- spoken by anyone but me evokes something in me. Sometimes I think C is afraid that I would be having our first child from a jail cell.

-Praying for a miracle, Evil and Preggers OUT.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fat Preg and Hot. Still.

So here is the update- apparently there have been some checking- I really don't have MUCH to share, but there are a few things to note.

I'm fat.
Nothing much has changed there- if anything I'm getting HIGHER and further out- this child is really getting comfortable. But who can blame her. She gets ice cream daily. She sleeps when she wants to, doesn't when I am. Really no worries.

Oh I am voting and committing to a girl. My mother always said that “one day you’re going to have a daughter- and I hope she is just as stubborn. And she will be a pain- and give you the same grief.” Yes, the curse has clearly come true. I’m having a girl, and she is going to be a pain in the ass, just as I was. And she is starting off stubborn and late. Just like I usually am. Awesome. It’s either that OR a mamonie (mamma’s boy) which I will have to change right quick. No Mamonie on my watch. Stubborn girls, you can’t break them- they are like wild horses. A mama’s boy… that we can work out.

I'm pregnant.
Every day- same story "OH JENN, YOU ARE STILL HERE." Mother f'ers clearly haven't been up on the blog. Stop asking stupid questions. I did have a brief out- on Monday I got the call from Debbie Downer- and this is the voicemail she left me. I WISH I could get it off my phone and post it, because this is exactly what she said in her usual Deb Down voice. AND we learned her real name. TRUE STORY:

“Hi, this is Ann Taylor from Dr. B’s office. I just wanted to let you know that we have you booked for an induction on ah Sept 22 at 8:30 at night that was the time slot available so if nothing happens before then, you are definitely going to be on the road at that point.
So um, No giggling now. This is serious. And we’ll see you on the 20th

There were several things wrong with this plan, but thanks anyway, Deb…

1) 8:30 PM. Wow. The “time slot available” what? The most inconvenient and f’d up thing you could sign me up for. SO not only am I in for HOURS or ‘fun’ but I get to start it, on purpose, at 8:30 pm? Wow. That’s a hot Saturday night, thanks but no thanks.
2) The 22nd. Thanks. So for rest of our life together we can celebrate the baby’s birthday AND our wedding anniversary. That’s right- 1 year on Sunday, the 23rd. And you know if I get induced at 8:30 pm it'll all take a "bit" more than 4 hours. This will bring us into Sunday, the 23rd. HOORAY Chucky Cheese for our anniversary dinner, birthday parties with goody bags and and clown cakes. Someone told me I was being selfish- you know what I say? Go F yourself. Simple as that- if it happens and it is meant to be great- I’m fine with that. But to plan the same day … I don’t see the point.
3) If I don’t have to be induced for medical reasons, then I’d like to try to “go naturally” and I of course do not mean with out drugs… cause I am NO hero. But if you are going to pump me with drugs to get this party started- I’d rather schedule a section like my pal Britney and be done with it. It just seems somewhat silly to pump me with drugs, start pain then pump me with MORE drugs to stop the pain. I mean come on, hasn’t my body been through enough?

I called the next morning and canceled. I will not be induced on Saturday. Can you believe it? There it was- the door, the out and I CANCELED it. Not what I expected either; it was quite a plot twist.

I’m hot.
True story: the Austrian that is staying with us- she loves to ask if I like the weather- whenever it gets some what cooler- and each time I say, no still hot. Today she looks at me and says, “So you must really like the weather.” I explain, for about the 10,000th time that no- I remain hot and it will never be cool enough. This time she responds for about 5 minutes about all the layers she has to put on because she is freezing.

Honestly. She’s lovely but I done with her and her need for layers. I mean honestly, shut the hell up- how many times do we have to have this conversation? And why are you always SO surprised when I say how f’ing hot I am? I'm not getting any smaller here- so while she continued to talk about how cold she was; I leaned over and put on the a/c.

That’s all from bitter lane. I’m about 4-5 days away from not being able to walk anymore. Saturday marks week 41- that means I could go another week and a half from today. Max. Doctors appointment tomorrow- where they will likely tell me nothing. You know the usual.

-Praying for a miracle, Preggers OUT.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

God Bless the Hippy

Where dreams are made of- I'm telling you. It's also where I got a pregnancy massage. No carnie there. It was the best 60 minutes of my life. First of all, they had me lay on my stomach- which I haven't done in MONTHS so that was a HUGE treat. What do you mean? Lay on her stomach? I can hear you ask now- well they had a table where there were holes in all the right places- so you could lay front first. It was amazing. And while the girl that I went in with had a weak handshake - and I thought I was doomed, again, she wasn't like the carnie. OH no - this girl worked it out. She was a bit of a hippy- there was a lot of deep breathing, ohms and Afterwards she asked how I felt- I said it was the best massage I had ever gotten! She was happy- but said she really hoped I could share the feedback with her. She wanted to know what was so good about it. I was kind of a loss for words- because I didn't know why it didn't suck. It just didn't suck- but I didn't want to say that.

She was really happy I felt so positive about the experience, especially because she put a "lot of love into it."

I started laughing.

She was dead serious.
It was awkward.

But I walked out with a new hop in my step.. so I thank you for that love, Hippy at Urban Oasis, thank you. It was a great way to spend my due date, other than giving birth, of course.

Friday, September 14, 2007

0 Days, 0 Hours, 33 Minute

As I continue to tie things up, and get ready... I look at my countdown.

It was in the hundreds, then it reached 99 days... that was a big day. From there the days certianly didn't fly, but here I am looking at the countdown and it says 33 minutes left... until baby G arrives. How exciting "only" 33 more minutes left.

With that, I will retire the countdown, because in 33 short minutes it will flip to 0:00 and why stare at that? Instead... we will start a count up for HOW long the babe has been MIA.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Bump Watch 2007

Stir Things Up

Every Thursday I go into the office thinking- what will happen today? What will Debbie say? Will the doc give me good news? Something absolutely crazy DID happen this week.

Debbie Downer was actually FUNNY today. What was it? Who knows. I'm not exactly sure- but I remember it was funny. What over shined whatever she did say was Chris' commentary. Deb asked what the doctor said last week- I said, "Not even a little bit close." Chris had to keep pushing it...

"She said it wasn't even a finger tip- but she has small hands. At least, that's what she said."

And it seemed to sound that it was my opinion, not what the doctor informed us of. I couldn't stop laughing. The doctor told us she had small hands, it wasn't what I could gage from the oh so personal internal exams.

Then the doctor comes in- what I have been waiting for all week- other than the arrival of the babe. She looks at my trunks with pain and sorrow, I scoot down and get ready to hear what I've been dreaming of...

but like some dreams that don't always come true.

Nope. Nothing. The baby is not ready. Apparently I've made quite a comfortable little place for this child of mine.

Last week I said that when the doctor came at me slapping on gloves saying "I have small hands" it's just what every girl wants to hear... that was until this week when she said... "Let's see if we can stir things up."  What does one say to that?

Well, I can only speak for me. I said... "Yeah- stir it up. Knock yourself out."

The plan is that if I don't see her this weekend to remove this child, then on Monday we will schedule the induction. Next week, Thursday, will be my last appointment, she promises. I thought we would schedule the induction today, but I was wrong. Instead she prescribed some booty... yup. She advised us to do the dirty. "Intercourse" to be exact. Chris threw his hands in the air in celebration... I rolled my eyes and thanked the doctor a lot. That's how we got in this mess. Let's hope this stirring exercises works... otherwise I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Stupid Questions DO Exist

But true answers are just as alive and well.

“You're still here?"

No. No I'm not- I'm a figment of your imagination.

“Aren’t you freezing?”

NO. I’m not. Not at all. In fact, I’ve been uncomfortably hot since May. What makes me even hotter is the fact that everyone around me keeps complaining about how cold they are. I haven’t so much as gotten a chill since May. That’s 4 months of hotness, and not the good kind.

“Do you feel any different?”

Seriously? I’m grade-schooler larger. My legs are trunks and I no longer have the ability to bend. Never mind there is an actual live being inside my stomach, sitting on my bladder and kicking me in the kidneys. What do you think? Everyday I get looks of pain, looks of surprise. And sometimes looks as if I'm in a cage or some kind of experiment. I now know what carnies must feel like.

"How do you feel?"

How do you think I feel? My skin is stretching in ways that are not natural. I'm sweating, and you keep talking about how freezing you are. I haven't seen some parts of my body in months, and those that I have had the opportunity to keep an eye on look like a science project gone array. My feet are sweating, still, and even though I've been marching strong in these flip flops since my shoes stopped fitting me, approximately 3 months ago- I am about to burn a hole in them. And that's when disasters going to strike. What WILL you do if I no longer to have a shoe to put on? You won't dare go near them- because of all the marching in these flops, all the sweating... I'm pretty sure they'll take a person of your size out. If I had to compare, I’d say they have an interesting stank of stale vinegar, what ever that means or smells like. I can't walk, I'm waddling, and I have approximately 50 lbs sitting on my pelvic bone, which if you haven't seen- isn't really made to support.

"What's wrong?"
See any of the above.

"Is the baby coming?"
This questions is usually in response to when I make a face likely because I'm getting kicked or I'm getting a fo'contraction. Oh yes. Right now. Back up- here it comes. Don't you think if the baby were coming I might not remain sitting here with you? Shut up. You'll know when the baby is coming, I'll announce it, not to worry.

guess who won't be stopped and asked stupid questions anymore? that's a stupid question.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

IT'S OFFICAL!!!!!!!!!!

After all of the stories, all of the complaining, all of the tears, all of the laughs... it's worth it. It was a whirlwind. All of it. And while I usually have some kind of drama or crazy story - maybe the fact that I don't have anything notable to talk about is the craziest of all developments.

As with most of things with us- it happened much like a romantic comedy. I woke up in the middle of the night, stomach pains were there- but they have been there for weeks now and I'm no fool- I'm not going to get my hopes up. It's likely gas- and you know I'm not going to be that girl who rushes to the hospital due to a miss-digested burrito, only to be turned away. I made my way to the bathroom, for my 3 am visit and before I could get there the waters came a flowing. Maybe this was more than the good ol' Mehican food I jonesed for earlier in the evening. I certainly didn’t have an adult accident- this was the real deal. The promised land.

It's time. And it was Saturday- so a WHOLE week before the due date, my unborn child does love me. It's time to make an appearance. I woke Chris up- who was startled but almost had calmness to him, which I didn't believe. He was ready. As if he had been preparing for it for months he grabbed my bag. I grabbed a shower and we took our time because the timing between the contractions that were actually making patterns- and per the on call doctor we were on track to meet this baby!

I'll spare you the details but remarkably the unthinkable happened. I got to the hospital with out incident. Breathed through the contractions, did the laps, walked around and when the going got tough, the tough got an epi. The drug of all drugs- blows my pal Bennie away. In record time, and certainly not the 20 hours I expected (4 hours- yes I WILL GLOAT) we welcomed BABY G.

And that's when reality hit.

I woke up- and realized it was Sunday morning and the 9th month has come and gone and no baby to speak of. I had a glorious dream of what was to come and no child to show for it. It's offical, today is 39 Weeks and 1 Day (9.01 Months)

Friday, September 7, 2007

A Little Bit

"A little bit" is never good. You never want just "a little bit" of anything, when you really think about it. You usually want a lot or none. Never "a little bit."

The doctor told me yesterday that I'm "not even a little bit" dilated or effaced. The baby hasn't started to come down, at all. So the whole dropping comment again is just another slap to the face. The baby hasn't dropped- if anything I'm convinced he or she is literally crawling UP to my throat. Oh no wait, that's just heart burn yet another fantastic side effect of pregnancy that "some people" get.

In the beginging, there were things I learned early on. Now as I get closer to the end of the 10 months, there are even more:

1. When a book, pamphlet, website, doctor or some random says "some people may find that (insert horrible, uncomfortable, inconvenient in anyway condition here) may occur" it actually should read: "Jenn, YOU will find that you will get (insert horrible, uncomfortable, inconvenient in anyway condition here)."

2. Woman are pregnant for 10 months, society has lied to us our entire life. While someone pointed out that 4 weeks = 28 days NOT 1 month I say anyone who hasn't carried a grade schooler in front of them for minimally 4 DAYS, never mind 280 days (currently I'm on day 272) doesn't get to make that assessment. End of story. 40 weeks of pregnancy = 10 months.

3. A little pressure = brace yourself, you are in for it.

4. Everyone around me is freezing and I am hot as Haiti. I 'm sick and tired of hearing how cold everyone is around me. I get it. I f'ing get it. Get a sweater and shut up.

5. Benedryl is the best kept secret of the medical world.

6. Ice Cream Sandwich Ice Cream + Rocky Road = God's work

7. With out a supporting, patient husband I'd be fat, hot, cranky and hungry who never laughed. I'd just be fat, hot, cranky and hungry. We almost got kicked out of our last doctor's appointment because we couldn't stop laughing. When Debbie Downer said, "You guys are silly, I needed that." I looked at her, with tears in my eyes and told her the truth... "It's all I have left. It's all I have left."

Yesterday was my first pelvic exam. And they are NOT fun, big surprise- and when the dr says "you'll feel a little bit of pressure" she means a lot- EVEN if or when she comes at you, slapping on her gloves saying "My hands are tiny, so that's good." Just what every girl wants to hear.

Nurse Debbie Downer let it slip that I will not be seeing her on the delivery unit which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I tried not to smile too much. That was good news. But that's kind of where the good news ended. She also said things like:

"Don't forget you're only 38. 9 weeks pregnant."

"Well, your baby can't go to 1st grade in your tummy."

"The swelling in your feet won't go away for a few weeks, post baby."

While the doctor sought pity on me and tried to keep me hopeful by saying "it could all change at any time" I'm no fool. She also said, "NEXT week, when I see you, we will talk about induction." I am not sure, but I think it won't really be scheduled for 2 weeks AFTER that. So we're looking at another month. I know previously, I said 4 weeks = 1 month but let's face it. 3 weeks is a month. You want to know HOW I know this to be true. Because every book, pamphlet, website, doctor or some random has said, "Some people go late- up to 2 weeks!" I am some people.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Note to Self:

Going to the beach while 8+ months preggers is a good idea in theory- but there are several flaws.

1) Frequent trips to the bathroom means walking through the sands of the Sahara.
2) Walks anywhere include gawking at the sight of this body in a suit fit for a whale.
3) Hot temperature + cold drinks = rinse and repeats to #1 & #2
4) The in ability to flip is inherently a complication to getting even color.

Yesterday I went to the beach and I got cut- I'm burnt. Through and through- on the front 1/2 of my body. So now I waddle cause I'm about to pop (see last entry) and sore and cut by the sun. Just when you thought I couldn't look anymore ridiculous...

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Pop Goes The Weasel Cause the Weasel Goes Pop

Funny would be if it happened once, notable since it happened twice.

Yesterday Chris and I ran some errands, and among them was lunch out at one of my newest favorites- Cheesecake which I've actually always disliked. I had a hankering for the Cobb Salad so off we went. And sat right on top of a family. A mom with two kids. During her pregnancy with her son, her second pregnancy, she had gestational diabetes- so she was really looking forward to the end with him. Her first, a daughter, is going to be a Senior at BC High School. Lots of information? I wish that was the end of what she shared with us.

Some additional information and direct quotes we learned from Chatty Cathy our lunch neighbor who would not take a hint or quit:

"Keep on pushing- that will get you what you want."
"What you want to happen is for your water to break, and the baby's head to act as a plug."
"At least with this, you get a prize at the end."

She started the conversation with, "Oh boy, any day, huh???"

I am still confused as to why total strangers want to talk about me about to "go" and how they went. This woman took it all to a whole 'nother level.

Later on that evening, as we went food shopping- yes hot date on a Friday night we were off to Stop and Shop for some food shopping! I was on the phone with my mom- when as I turned the corner a woman trying to get her 6 kids to make a decision about something- they stop abruptly.

"oooh weee Mama, you 'bout to pop or what!"

One of the kids tried to reopen the discussion they were having and I heard her say "hush now- ooo wee- any day, huh?" I said- "I hope" Chris said, "14 more days."

"ooh he's got a count!"

Then just when you thought she was done, some random guy with a belly that has dropped walked by and she said, "oh you too? You're 'bout to pop!"
(c) 2007 all rights reserved. aka don't be a D and swipe any content, photos, etc - sucka. Should you be tempted, let me know so I can be flattered and then give me something write about.