Thursday, December 29, 2011

Santa Babies

Oh how the me of yore would kick my ass.

To be honest, I rolled my eyes at myself when I considered even BUYING these matching outfits.  But I did.

I scoffed when I thought to put them in those matching outfits for our Santa picture this year. But I did.

I judge me, but you can't deny these girls are too.freaking.cute.

What a difference a year makes, indeed.

Beyond the completely NEW little person on Santa's lap - we've been able to go from this:
2010 L meets Santa (again)

to this:

2011 L giggles with Santa

Magical, people. MAGICAL.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Different Kind of Holiday

This year the holidays look different. Not wrong, just different. Last year it was our first Christmas hosting. It was our first Christmas home; Santa finally came to our house and it was wonderful. For years, we wanted to stay home for Christmas. Even before kids, we wanted Santa to come to our house instead of trekking all over for the holidays. This year, is our second year at home - though our home is much further than it was last year.

At first it was a bit heartbreaking to explain that MyUncleChris was not going to be sleeping over on Christmas - even though she thinks he always does. I guess that's the thing when you are 4, if the only Christmas you really remember is your 3rd - of course everything that you remember is what you always do. Now, she understands we won't have the same house full of people or that we won't have anyone coming over like we did last year. It wasn't like we had our entire extended family over, but with two out of three sets of grandparents and one out of three uncles or aunts - those numbers plus a super small apartment? This meant a full house. This year it's the four of us.

It's a special holiday because it's JJ's first Christmas and L's first as a big sister. Someone to share it all with. Sure, JJ is 4 months old - but the way L walks her through what is about to happen? It's magical. The way her 4 year-old hyped up self can slow down, even if for a moment, to tell her baby sister to expect wonderful. It's Christmas-errific. Santa is coming over with a vengeance (damn you incredibly reasonable deals & adorable child) and for the last few weeks we've been receiving packages from friends & family. We are planning a trip "home" after the holidays (no dates have been decided, family) and I'm sure there will be more holiday merriment to be had. It's not that she won't have a wonderful Christmas. In fact, I believe this will be one of the best - each one is better because she understands it more and can get excited and into it. But it's different, even if she doesn't realize how much.

To make this year special, seeing as she wasn't going to be seeing everyone, she's been involved in the gift giving process. While it would have been 1000% (no typo - I meant to go over - way over- 100%) easier to just do the shopping myself or only shop online and have people wrap their own presents and or spend the wrapping fee (which kills me); since L loves to go shopping we included her in every present. She loved it. If there was a choice - she picked it out. If we were given a store to shop in, she did the selecting. She helped to wrap every present and ch0ose every ribbon (which will promptly get smashed en route). She even decorated some of the boxes we shipped things in and carefully chose which pictures to send. If she could have addressed the boxes, she would have. 
I love this kid. And I can't wait to see what's to come. Wrapping, ribboning & decorating the box made her ridiculously happy. When her wildest imagination of toys, clothes & accessories explodes in her living room? She may combust.  And to help her sister unwrap a few goodies of her own? I just don't know my heart will be able to handle the joy. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


For a moment this was going to be a Wordless Wednesday, but then I realized even though this will be posted on a Wednesday there was no way I could be wordless about this one. I present you with an outtake from our holiday card photo shoot. I'm pretty much obsessed. 

JJ is not a fan of the whole family "photo shoot" - she's more of a on the fly smile type of girl. And getting TWO girls to smile at the same time? Mission impossible. She's more likely to spit up. Obviously. L on the other hand isn't as used to being puked on as yours truly. Me? I don't know what I look forward to more. A full night's sleep OR not being puked on.  It has come to the point I just wipe it off (barely) and get on with the day. Why change if I know it's just going to happen again? L on the other hand? HORRIFIED. And now, I have proof. {insert evil laugh}

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Scarring Children & Finding My Way

What you need to know: 
  • I get lost. I get lost anywhere. Everywhere. Any how. I get lost. Some say that I get lost from the bathroom to my bedroom - and those people? They would be right. Sometimes I turn the wrong way.
  • My kid asks a lot of questions. Like your head explodes a lot of questions.  
  • We are committed to speaking the truth with the kids as much as possible. It isn't always pretty - but we are committed to be real.
The story at hand: on our way home from a play date the other day this happened. Word for (pretty much) word. Out of nowhere.

L: "How did you get the baby out?"
Me: "You mean JJ? Well..." {silently thinking - where is this going, how do I get out of it, what do I do? You need to STALL.}
L: "When you had the baby. When JJ got here. HOW did she get out of your belly? HOW did the baby get out?"
Me: "Well..."
{silently thinking - where is this going, how do I get out of it, what do I do?}
L: "You know! How did JJ get OUT of your BELLY?! HOW?"
Me: "Well... {Feeling pressured.  Frankly at this point I'm feeling like perhaps the whole parenting principle of that pesky "honest" approach isn't the way to go. I'm thinking child birth would encompass what I SHOULD be truthful about? So off I go...} so, remember when Mama had that booboo? Well {SHIT I'm doing this thing.... nope. I'm not.} I had a surgery and the baby was born!"

{Please let that be good enough. PLEASE.}

L: "What is surgery?"
Me: {F}
L: "Mama, WHAT is SURGERY?"
Me: "Ok, so the doctors gave me medicine and they took the baby out."
L: "How?"
Me: "I don't know, L, they took the baby." {LIE, you are lying to your child.}
L: "Where did they take the baby? How did they get the baby out?"
Me: "I had surgery."
L: "What is surgery?"
Me: "It's when the doctor uses something like a knife to make a cut to get the baby out."
L: "A KNIFE?!"
Me: {crap} "Well, not a real knife - that we use to cut things - but a doctor's special knife for surgery."
L: "Did you feel the knife?"
Me: "No. The doctor's gave me medicine so I didn't feel anything. And L, it's not the same kind of knife that you know."

{Please let that be good enough. PLEASE.}

L: "So the baby was cut out of you?" 
Me: {Inner monologue: well, when you put it like that I have sufficiently f'd you up. Honesty, you are a son of a bitch. Silver lining? We're done here.} "Yup."
L: "But how did the baby get there? In your belly? Before the doctor had the surgery in you."
Me: "Um." 

{head explodes}

L: "Mama, how did the baby get into your belly?"
Me: "L. Um. I'm lost I need to pay attention to where I'm going, OK?"

I totally punked out. Good news? She's 4 so I'm sure I can find somewhere on this here Internet it's too soon. Also? Since I get lost pretty much everyday she is none the wiser that I wasn't actually lost.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Family, you can go ahead and skip this one.

Remember when I said my husband was 12 years old? 

Perhaps I should have waited to hand down that judgement.

Just when I thought Elf on the Shelf couldn't get any more fun? I am proven wrong. Who knew the elf would be so much fun? 

Now if I could only remember to move him nightly.

There's a contest that you just HAVE to check out.  "Inappropriate Elf Contest" - and it's filled with some seriously F'd up elves that just make me GIGGLE. People come up with some hilarious stuff.  When I originally heard about it I thought - I have the PERFECT IDEA. I cracked up over them for awhile. I won't lie.  Now, even though I'm sharing them, I know I might be the only one laughing.

Then I started to see the entries roll in and I saw that I had clearly misunderstood the intent.  I don't know, I think a little chat with the Peacock, Nutcracker & Alesssandro is hilarious if you see it the way I do.

"Mrs. Claus is such a tease."

Alessandro & his blue bells

Come on. Let the inner 12 year old in you giggle.

Have you checked out the contest? Go do that. I mean if it were a double entendre or euphemism contest, I'd be in.    

Time out: both words sound dirty just to say them. Is it just me?  I'll double entendre your euphemism. That's what she said. (See beginning. I'm 12. Also, if we needed to call a TOD (time of death) of my father-in-law "getting me" I believe we can all agree, right about now. I call 'em like I see 'em.)

Time in:
Since it seems when Jill over at Baby Rabies said "Inappropriate Elf" she actually meant inappropriate "ELF" not "Inappropriate Elf Poser" I won't be holding my breath on the win. Hell, I'm a joiner and I just can't help it. I'm a sucker for some captioned photos. 

I present you with my slutty Alessandro. 

Save a Reindeer. Ride a Santa.

I don't expect to win. Dude, there is a the original creep stalker elf, Elf on the Shelf meets a Silence of the Lambs captivity scene,  * in a box and a freaking Dexter elf for God's sake.

Sidenote: Perhaps I was just flat lining before. Right NOW is the TOD of my father-in-law getting me.

I'm just a girl who likes to take pictures of my kid's footless doll. Also, I'm a girl who right now wishes family didn't read this blog because I'm talking blue bells and riding deer.  Never mind not 'getting me' - there are more out there that if they didn't think I was strange before? Let's just say - mission accomplished. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Magical Holidays

Oh my Elf, I am so behind. I started writing this - who knows when. I wanted to interrupt my Elf on the Shelf obsession to bring you good clean family fun. The holiday season was upon us and oh what fun it was. I was all wrapped up in Alessandro, I forgot to breakdown our turkey (Thanksgiving). As I look to edit this post a bit we may or may not still have the tree "up" and all lit up. We usually take the tree down on January 6th but this week has been hell-a busy.

OK, back to the story from way back when. AKA 2 months ago in a time long, long ago called Thanksgiving.

Seeing as we are in the STL - we didn't have to decide where to go (win) and was able to host Thanksgiving (win). Grammy & Poppa made the pilgrimage to the Midwest and in addition to not having to travel (have I mentioned, win?) L + J got to spend time with some of her grandparents. 

We went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade (yes, they have that in places other than NYC - thank you very much). Sure the one in NYC probably doesn't have a firetruck with the leg lamp from The Christmas Story - but hey. They DID have giant balloon floats.  And lots of candy. After the morning at the parade we came home and just hung out. We watched more parades on TV. Glorious.  The day was filled with enjoying good food (thanks ball & chain), good company and cold beer.  Let me highly recommend hosting Thanksgiving in a low key event?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Alessandro's Treasure

Our elf has arrived and while I planned to take one picture a day - I have failed horribly. I'll try to do catch up but since you aren't allowed to touch the damn elf otherwise his magic gets taken (it's in the book people, catch up) it's difficult. I will tell you this: you should really play out the story or situation you put your elf in, before presenting.

Recently the husband was in charge of our elf's landing.  He chose to place him above a shelf in the kitchen.

Side note: when you adopt an elf you name him or her. Last year, when we adopted our elf, L named him... Alessandro. One of her buddies from school was Alessandro and he will live in Guarro family history as our elf. It's a lovely name (for the little boy)... but is it elf-y? Absolutely not. I should have steered the naming session toward a more elf-friendly name like Scooter, Snowflake, Jack (Frost) or Buddy. You know
all the other Shelf Elfs used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Alessandro join in any elf-like games.

Back to the story, Alessandro was up on his shelf, just sitting there. BORING. Listen, I appreciate my husband. He got up after I realized we forgot. At that point we were seconds from slumber town. I appreciate it.  The thing is, when I saw Alessandro the next morning, he was just sitting there. No story. Nothing. I felt like I had to do something.

So far, Alessandro has been swinging from the chandelier (as you do),  sliding down the stair railing, sitting in a pumpkin patch, in L's room getting into her jewelry box and "make up," working for the weekend, and hanging out with the King of Kings.

elf montage
Alessandro & King of Kings.

Point is? Things were happening.  Alessandro was busy. Sitting there on a random shelf? Alone? BOOORRRING.

When the kid wasn't looking I threw some gems we had left over from our Halloween extravaganza on his lap thinking we could spin a "Look! He has treasures!!!"
To be fair - I should have thrown MORE gems.
Treasures. Jewels. The TWO I threw up there? Doesn't help my story. I did not think this through.

Me: "Look, L! Alessandro has some treasure!!!"
L: "Lemme see (I lift her up - because the shelf is high - another problem with this spot) - OH he has jewels!"

Ball & chain: "Yup, it's just Alessandro & his family jewels."
Alessandro & his (family) jewels

Later on that day?
L: "Is Alessandro still playing with his family jewels?"

Days later?
L: "Remember when Alessandro had his jewels? His family jewels?"
She also asks if we remember when Alessandro was hanging from the chandler or the stairs - but I'm sure you understand... these memories aren't quite as funny.

I wish I could respond with, "Yup L, we remember. We'll always remember. On a side note, you should know: your father is 12." If I did that I just KNOW she'd just correct me, trying to convince me he is in his 30s.

Smart (ass) kids (and husbands).

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Elf on the (what now?)

Last year we got Elf on the Shelf.  It took forever to find one, truth be told - as I may or may not have waited until the last minute. That's how I roll. It was exciting, however late it was.

What is Elf on the Shelf?  The elf is adopted by a family (us) and he (or she) look in on the kids of the family and report back to Santa how things are going. Yes, Santa watches if you're naughty or nice - but who helps him? The elves. Directly from Elf on the Shelf:
Excellent listeners and even better observers, these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus. Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic, the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house, no good deed goes unnoticed; these scout elves take their job seriously.

Each night, after the family goes to bed, the scout elf uses his magical Christmas powers to fly back to the North Pole. Once there, the elf will make his or her daily report to Santa and visit with elf friends where they will tell stories about their beloved families, play with the reindeer, and of course, sneak some of Mrs. Claus’ cookies!

Before the family awakes each morning, their special scout elf will fly back to their home from the North Pole. However, since these elves like to play games, don’t expect to find them in the same spot!  While some like to hide in the freezer (probably because it reminds them of the North Pole) and others prefer to sit on the fireplace mantle or hang from the chandelier, these elves love to play hide-and-seek with their families.
This year, homeboy is going to rock the house.  Why? You'll never guess. Pinterest.

I KNOW? Are they paying me to talk about them, or what? Your answer will be "what" after I finish this story.

ANY WHO there are all these fantastic ideas on what to do with the Elf on the pinterest. I told the ball & chain about some of my favorites - the Elf turns up doing snow angels in flour, hanging from a chandelier, or playing games with other toys. You'd THINK he'd be down with this.  This (seems to be) is right up his alley.  As I explained this to him, and reminded him of antics very recently with the trolls... this happened. Verbatim.

"That is so creepy. I mean what's next? A 3 way with Belle & Barbie."

My guy is so dreamy. 

Like I said, pretty sure Pinterest is not (pin)terested in MY endorsement. More on our elf's story and the trouble he gets into this year... G rated people. Keep it clean.
(c) 2007 all rights reserved. aka don't be a D and swipe any content, photos, etc - sucka. Should you be tempted, let me know so I can be flattered and then give me something write about.