Good Talk Bad Talk

My baby grew up. When did that happen? Our oldest, turning four in a mere hours by the time this is posted is growing up faster than I might like. It's happening everywhere in every way and when I least expect it. Example: I brought her to a birthday party - her first in the area.  It was another first for her: I was to leave. 

I think there was one other parent there, might have been a neighbor? But all the other parents? Left. Gone. 

I was frantic.  At first the kid was clingy and shy but within seconds she had found a friend from her class and while confused that I would leave (because I had never left her at a friends before let alone a party) she was fine with it.  Me? I was not. I was totally freaked but I left anyway, because I'm not going to that parent hovering over her, when everyone else left.

What's a girl to do? I called my mom.

My fear was this: sometimes L gets upset - for what would seem like 'no reason.'  Example - kids accidentally bonk into each other. She accidentally hurts someone... the other kid- who ACTUALLY got hurt - cries.  L then cries because she feels bad that she hurt the other kid and/or she is so embarrassed and/or overwhelmed and she cries.  I don't know where she gets that from {looks around innocently}...

I was so afraid, she was going to get overwhelmed, cry, and since the other kids so much more mature? I don't know - I thought it would carry over in school or something (mean girls exist and they start at 3. FYI) and she is so jammed right now about making friends - I was nervous for her. Yes I realize these are all messed up sentence structures, ongoing and don't make sense - but I think they paint the picture of my insanity thought process. 

So back to the story at hand:

I call my mom... to just be like, "Can you believe it? She's 4! They have drop off parties already? I had no idea!"  

Her response?
First thing she says?

"Have you had the good touch, bad touch conversation yet??"

Awesome.

Here I am, worried she might cry or just have a weird social moment ... and now that's escalated to possible molestation.

What's a girl to do? I had a beer at 2pm. 

That night, C & I decided to attack the "good touch bad touch" conversation - completely unprepared. I have 2-3 reference books to choose from that likely touch upon this subject (ba-dum-cha) or I don't know the world wide web?  There has to be an about.com page on how to talk to kids about this? Perhaps a youtube.com video? Nah - we go at it - totally unprepared and frankly I'll be surprised if we didn't scar her. In related news: this whole parenting gig is difficult. How the hell are we not required to have some kind of operating license to do it?

Recalculating Plans

It was a lovely Sunday morning and the kid and I were discussing what the plan would be.

Me, "What do you want to do today? We can do anything you want." (Note to self: never say that)
L, "I know! Let's go to my old school and visit my old friends!" (As in in, Connecticut)
Me, "OH sweetie, we can't do that- that's so so far - how would we get there? What about the zoo? The Botanical Garden? The Science Museum?"
L, "Let's go to my old school! We'll get in the car, and that lady will tell us where to go - no problem!"


That lady? Jilly... our GPS... as in you have two choices for a voice: Jack or Jill. We chose Jill and apparently L thinks she's the key to transportation over here.

Flashbacks & Blessings

Monday night I noticed the baby’s finger was red – at closer examination it was swollen.  Her middle finger was almost hot and the red discoloration went from her first finger pad all the way down and around to the palm of her right hand. On the top of her finger, there was a puffy could be pussy little pocket of infection. I know, gross – and totally out of nowhere.  For the first time, as a parent, in almost 4 years we called the doctor “after hours.”  I think that’s a pretty good run, if I do say so myself.  We just never had the need before. And while I was sure it wasn’t life threatening, her little finger was hot and clearly infected.  The other thing that concerned me was how quickly it happened because to my recollection when I was bathing her an hour earlier, I don’t remember seeing her finger like this. 

We called the doctors office, spoke with the message center and got a call back from the pediatric nurse on call at the hospital.  I anticipated a homeopathic suggestion like epson salt or warm compress. Instead I got something to the effect of: “Run do not walk to the ER.”

Dear health professionals,

For the love of G-O-D, please refrain from using such words as: critical, imperative, complications or immediately when speaking to a parent as it relates to the seriousness of their child’s condition.

Thank you,

Parent who shat herself

I googled complications that the nurse mentioned on the phone; I fell down a google wormhole on the way to the hospital (I wasn’t driving – relax) of panic.  I did all I could to remain calm, mostly just cursing underneath my breath.  It’s scary.  They were worried how the infection and coloration was spreading (quickly) and without reason.  It wasn't started through a cut fingernail or cut on her finger.

We arrived to the ER and as promised, our name was “left at the front” so that we could quickly pass through to the Pediatric ER.  Any emergency situation is scary, but might I be so bold to say that a Pediatric specific ER top 5 scariest places on Earth?  Are we agreed? Super. Probably as scary as a… I don’t know? Let’s say a NICU?

I’m trying to keep it together. As we waited to be admitted C realized he forgot his cell phone in the car – so he left me. Our history should have told us this was a bad idea; what you may not know is whenever he leaves me (even if for a minute) in a hospital something goes awry. As I breathed through the stress of bringing my baby girl to the ER in the middle of the night, albeit 8:30 pm, I thought I was doing okay.  It’s an infection. It’s just her finger. Everything will be fine. Breathe.  As I'm thinking this I look down at my baby girl. She was sleeping soundly, if anything was wrong we'd know, she'll be fine. We'll be fine.  

Ah, how peaceful it is (before the storm). 

It's right about now we get called in. Me & my baby girl - walk through the automatic doors into the waiting room for the Pediatric ER. As we walk into the room, I notice a gorgeous aquarium wall. Breathing in the moment, I realize I can't breathe out. My breath is quite literally taken away. I can not exhale and instead I'm immediately (hysterically) crying.


By the beauty of the fish? Not quite. 




I'm having what I can only imagine is a mini panic attack.  I'm panicking and all I can see is this fish tank. The picture you see? It's not what I saw that night. It was the aquarium at Mass General Hospital. In the NICU unit L spent a month in. Sheer. Panic.

My dear husband came back.  He returned to find his previously (somewhat) sane wife now in a corner (not facing the aquarium, because well - obviously) in a pile of tears.  In the minutes he was gone, all I could do was struggle to breathe through flashbacks as I would imagine someone with PTSD would do. 

God damn f'ing fish... I thought they were supposed to be calming?

Fast forward: I pull it together and don't face the damn tank.  In terms of our "emergency"? JJ is fine. I'll spare you the details - but there was some minor blood shed, major tears lost, (another) small piece of my sanity taken and $100 for the visit.  At the end of the day? Basically homegirl had a (very aggrevated & infected) ingrown nail.

An ingrown nail.  An emotionally taxing ingrown nail.

Baby's first ER run and we were home within a few hours; nothing serious (thank God) to come of the situation - but perhaps just a quick moment and reminder of how lucky we are. A slap in the face - a reminder - what not to take for granted.

Intermission

I had SUCH high hopes for this maternity leave of mine. I was going to organize things: the basement was going to go from mess to 'mazing (as in so AMAZING you leave off the A). I was going to read books. I was going to write (here or) anywhere. I can barely press post on things I've already written and just a need a quick look over.  I published this post earlier this week (edited to note, by the time I press publish on this post? It's more like 2+ weeks later), even though I wrote it a month ago. I guess I forgot to press publish? Since it was about life PRE JJ, I had to back date it. That just seems like cheating.

I was going to give this space a face lift - finally choose a new name, new URL, redirect links, update this bad boy visually. We all have pseudonyms in my head - not just letters. Why you ask? To ward off worrisome family members who believe we are going to be targeted. Scary world wide web and too many 20/20s have been seen.

Truth, that's more of a line: as I have thought of said creep situations too.  I watch too many Criminal Minds to not think worst case scenarios.... I digress.

You know what I have accomplished?

1. JJ

Obviously I had a big uterus hand in creating and carrying (not that counts for more) yet another beautiful baby girl. JJ is amazing. She is adorable. She is precious. She is STRONG. She never sleeps when it's dark.And while I've always liked vampires, the fact that she might be one is worrisome and frankly cramps my productivity.

2. Taking pictures.

I'm trying to make sure that JJ doesn't meet the fate of 2nd born children around the world.  I want to make sure I take as many pictures of her, as I have of her sister. The result? I've taken more pictures than I can handle editing, so you may never see them.

3. Drinking water.

5 day old JJ vs. the Mercy

Maybe you don't think this is brag book worthy. Maybe you are laughing. Maybe you think I'm over exaggerating. To this I say: you can't possibly understand how much water I have been drinking since JJ got here. Seriously. The hospital gave us water bottles - to support my habit so I can't complain. I suggest having a baby if for no other reason than having him or her at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis so you too can be the owner of this bad boy. Which leads to, I'm drinking all this water because this kid is eating. Which means I am feeding her. Constantly. Well, not right now - but with any key stroke she might awake and this will mean lights out on this post. Just the thought of what is to come, makes me thirsty, because I'm going to have feed the baby - it's a vicious cycle.

{True story: she just freaking woke up, as I type this - the beast is awake. Let's see when I get back to this. It's 5:30 pm on Wednesday - this'll be a fun little experiment, won't it?}

{Game on - it's 4:00 pm on Tuesday... the following week. It seemed like just an instant for you? Didn't it.}

Spoke too soon, game off.

{Game on, again. Now it's Wednesday at 8:30 am}

So that's how that works - I didn't even mean to make this point when I started the post, in fact there was some other point I was going to get to but of course since I didn't write it down - it's lost and gone forever. I guess accomplishing 3 things over the last 7 weeks - especially due to their magnitude (seriously, do you SEE that water bottle?) isn't too bad. There are of course a million other things going on, simultaneously, and I'll try to get to them if not for keeping you updated but so that I can be reminded of them someday. Until then, please forgive this intermission and in frequent updates. I'll do what I can do, when I can - but between the kid, the pictures and the water I'm handling about all I can right now.

And seriously... I wish I could have a film crew following me because I kid you not.... she is up. Game off.

Funny Girl

True story: L has discovered youtube.com and found a video of a baby laughing. She wasn't alone out there on the world wide web, don't worry! She found a few that she LOVED and wanted to watch them over and over again.  Something a little like this:

Fast forward, the other day,  I hear SCREAMING from the living room.

 

"COME QUICK it's JJ!!!!" my heart drops, I just went to the bathroom - what happened? Jesus Christ, this is what 20/20s are made of.

I come in to find L standing over her baby sister with a smile ear to ear- prouder than I've ever seen her. 

JJ was laughing (or so L thinks - she's too young I think) but she was kinda squealing like a little laugh? 

L, "Mama, look at JJ - look what I made her do!"

Oh how I love their love with a side of please let this last forever.