NumbErs - the E is for exhausted

How do I begin to tell you where we've been and what we've been up to? I'm big on numbers, so lets let the statistics speak for itself.

• The time from when we found out the move was happening to physically being in Cleveland: 37 days. 
• This includes a weekend trip visiting the Cleve (for the 1st time, one trip driving "straight" for 12 hours): 4 days.
• The work weeks (within those 37 days = 5 weeks+) the ball & chain was working in Cleveland: 2 weeks.
• The days (within those 37 days) I was away for work in Boston: 4 days - including my baby's birthday, the first time I was ever away from her.
• If you are following the math, of the 37 days, at least one of us were not home for a collective: 20 days.
• The amount of time the movers aggravated me, 17 days - and counting.
• The weekend we moved, we drove in a car with: 3 adults, 1 dog and 2 children. 
• We traveled 585 miles in 2 days, across 4 states.
• The number of gigantic (like more than 4 stories) crosses we passed: 2. 
• We had 2 moving trucks, 1 that was lost for a few days. DAYS.
• 10 days after we moved, we traveled to the Northeast for 6 days. 
• During those 6 days, we drove 611 miles, across 4 states (never mind flying 400+ miles each way).
• Patience and understanding levels are at a solid: 0.

More, later.

Walking Lessons

Mark the date. June 23, 2012, JJ walked. Here's how the events went down:

1. It looked like she was going to take a step. I took out my phone to get video. I didn't want to shout for an audience, because it would have startled her. I thought I got it on video, she walked back (or maybe fell) a few steps. Then I called for the crew. Unfortunately, I didn't get it on tape, but I did get a GREAT example of why it was a good idea to not scream across the house. I sound like a crazy man.
   
   
   
   
2. JJ took 2 or 3 steps, depending on how you count them - but the amazing-ness of capturing such a moment was ruined because I am whispering in the background to get the ball & chain's attention. And it's weird. Apparently he saw the whole thing but didn't want to "say anything." So he just let me repeat my creepy whispering the whole time, great. Good news? Youtube let's me put music over the whole damn thing so at least you can see the moment.
   
   
   
   
3. Directly after those video fails, I kept my finger on the trigger. And just as they say, third time's a charm. L talks through this whole walking situation with her baby sister. Best.Lesson.(and reaction)Ever. 
   
   

My favorite moment, 100%, is how excited L gets when it's happening. The belly laugh. The amazement. The every thing. I also love how she 'models' walking. I tear up at her giggles every.time.  In other news, it has been reported that she is working on a British accent. Do you hear it? It's all I can hear, now.

In related news, even more startling than having a daughter with Madonna syndrome? OMFG. JJ IS WALKING. 

An open letter to our friends & family out East: Blown out of proportion

Dear You,

I get it. Tornadoes are scary. If you think tornado warnings or watches are scary you should experience a thunder storm here. It's like nothing you have ever experienced. It is intense. It's crazy town. What one person experiences in my neighborhood, 5 minutes down the road will experience differently. And then? In an instant it's quiet. Like creepy, eye of the storm quiet. The skies light up, the earth shakes with thunder. My grown husband will wake up in the middle of the night and honestly ask the question, "Should we get the kids?"

Not kids crawling in our bed, scared. Reasonable. A grown man, wanting to crawl into bed with the children.

It's wild.

Why are tornado warnings or watches not quite as scary? Because tornadoes are not actually happening in the immediate area when you get a warning or a watch.

When you see "tornado watch" on the TV - don't bother worrying. Why? Because STL should be on a constant tornado watch status. Why? Because all it actually means when it is issued is the weather conditions are favorable for severe thunderstorms to produce tornadoes in and close to the watch area.  Every time it storms here, that's going to happen, it turns out. Welcome to Tornado Alley. It can (and does) happen here. That's why they named it an alley. Frankly, it should have been "Tornado Main Street" but whatever; semantics.

A tornado warning is when an alert issued by government weather services to warn that severe thunderstorms capable of spawning tornadoes may be imminent. It is likely a tornado is indicated by radar or sighted by storm spotters. Still, not a for sure, but more likely. If you are going to worry - I'd say this would be the only time to slightly concerned. And even not all that much.

Some facts to be aware of:

• St. Louis, the county, which is what is named in weather alerts is 524 square miles.
• St. Louis (city) is actually 66.2 square miles. 
• Where we actually live is in a suburb within St. Louis city which is 5.9 square miles.
• St. Louis (county) will be in almost every tornado watch or warning that you see, because now that we are here that's all you'll see. 
• Tornadoes come here. They will come through our town and may very likely hit our neighborhood or even our house. 
• We are prepared, we are no heroes - when we hear an alarm we will go to our designated bunker and be OK.
• When a tornado rips through another state or another city that is not St. Louis - I have no idea what the tornado was like because we didn't have one. We live in 5.9 area of a 524 square mile area that didn't get hit by a tornado.

Seriously - when there is wild weather 10+ hours away from you? DO I call panicked?  Do I sit and stew and wonder - will you make it? Absolutely not. You are 10 hours away.
 
Pull it together. Calm yourself. You have your own health & well being to care about instead of putting yourself into a tizzy about us - hundreds of miles away from natural disasters and prepared for the inevitable.

Love,
The Twisted Guarros of Tornado Alley

Elf on the (what now?)

Last year we got Elf on the Shelf.  It took forever to find one, truth be told - as I may or may not have waited until the last minute. That's how I roll. It was exciting, however late it was.

What is Elf on the Shelf?  The elf is adopted by a family (us) and he (or she) look in on the kids of the family and report back to Santa how things are going. Yes, Santa watches if you're naughty or nice - but who helps him? The elves. Directly from Elf on the Shelf:

Excellent listeners and even better observers, these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus. Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic, the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house, no good deed goes unnoticed; these scout elves take their job seriously.

Each night, after the family goes to bed, the scout elf uses his magical Christmas powers to fly back to the North Pole. Once there, the elf will make his or her daily report to Santa and visit with elf friends where they will tell stories about their beloved families, play with the reindeer, and of course, sneak some of Mrs. Claus’ cookies!

Before the family awakes each morning, their special scout elf will fly back to their home from the North Pole. However, since these elves like to play games, don’t expect to find them in the same spot!  While some like to hide in the freezer (probably because it reminds them of the North Pole) and others prefer to sit on the fireplace mantle or hang from the chandelier, these elves love to play hide-and-seek with their families.

This year, homeboy is going to rock the house.  Why? You'll never guess. Pinterest.

I KNOW? Are they paying me to talk about them, or what? Your answer will be "what" after I finish this story.

ANY WHO there are all these fantastic ideas on what to do with the Elf on the pinterest. I told the ball & chain about some of my favorites - the Elf turns up doing snow angels in flour, hanging from a chandelier, or playing games with other toys. You'd THINK he'd be down with this.  This (seems to be) is right up his alley.  As I explained this to him, and reminded him of antics very recently with the trolls... this happened. Verbatim.

"That is so creepy. I mean what's next? A 3 way with Belle & Barbie."

My guy is so dreamy. 

Like I said, pretty sure Pinterest is not (pin)terested in MY endorsement. More on our elf's story and the trouble he gets into this year... G rated people. Keep it clean.

House Hunters: The Impossible Dream

I finally feel like we are in a space to give the update on where we hope to hang our hat.  That said, be sure to note the following should be filed under: if it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe it was true.  The week after murphy's law of real estate and our life happened (which was the same week I posted it) we found another house.  "We" being relative; the ball & chain did. He took some pictures (but no way to send them) and told me about it. I looked it up online. There were 4 photos of the place but decided to take a leap of faith so we can have a roof over our head.  Leap of faith and well damn, I'm not into being without a home.  We put in an offer in.  You're thinking to yourself, self, I thought they were renting? We are. That's how STL rolls. 

We got an email from our agent that says she spoke with the agent of the house.  Follow me, won't you? He is the son of the owner - he said based on their conversation his parents will approve us - lease to us.  For some reason, they don't ask us for a rental application, as the others have and instead he has our agent draw up a preliminary lease. The owners and agent will review it and send it back to us with signatures. You're thinking too good to be true? Right? That would be because you are missing out a wee little detail.  All of this happens on Tuesday. The only "thing" is: he won't be able to get to the lease until Monday. A week away. Maybe now you understand why I didn't feel this story could be told as it was happening. He said he was going out of town... which made sense (I guess) because it was the week of Easter. He's celebrating the resurrection of Christ, can't hate on that?   He told our agent "not to worry" and "it will be fine." Um, I'm sorry stranger. A) I didn't realize there was a shotgun rule in real estate. B) Maybe you didn't hear; even when throwing in money, promises, handshakes and applications - we didn't get what we thought we would.  You'll excuse me if I do, in fact, worry. Side note: this is the same week tornadoes touched down in STL, a day after the husband left. Story to come on that, but between having no home and our new home town getting some wreckage due to natural disasters - you can assume we were worried.

We wait the obligatory 6 days and on Monday we follow up with our agent.  Since the ball & chain is traveling (again) it would be easiest to get us to sign things if we are together.  I carefully asked, what's up, without showing my crazy. We get word that they are going to move forward with us.  They have applied and been approved for a leasing contract - because apparently where this house is; you need to be approved to lease the house. Please note, no signatures yet and no money exchanged.  The "thing" is we won't have the lease until the "end of the week."  You're thinking, wait... didn't this part already happen? Turns out the agent wasn't going away last week; he was getting laser eye surgery.  There were complications.

You read that right: we are dealing with an agent that now can't see our lease agreement.

I sent an email to our agent saying something to the effect of - "Obviously we'll deal with health issues.  We hope he recovers without further complications. That said, is there no one that can help?  Do they know we are moving 1/2 across the country? We need to know where we are moving and when quickly. We need to set up the movers, cancel daycare, set up plans for childcare in St. Louis, etc." I did my best to not show all of my crazy, but for real. I get it, he needs to rest his eyes, but we took a leap of faith as it was by not both seeing the house. Waiting on the 'formality' of a contract another week seemed like a little much.  

For once, my crazy worked for us.  We have a house.  They worked it out and got another set of eyes on the lease.  Ba-dum-cha, she's here all week folks. Only for another week or so though; for real.  We are on the move.