Sunday, December 18, 2011

Scarring Children & Finding My Way

What you need to know: 
  • I get lost. I get lost anywhere. Everywhere. Any how. I get lost. Some say that I get lost from the bathroom to my bedroom - and those people? They would be right. Sometimes I turn the wrong way.
  • My kid asks a lot of questions. Like your head explodes a lot of questions.  
  • We are committed to speaking the truth with the kids as much as possible. It isn't always pretty - but we are committed to be real.
The story at hand: on our way home from a play date the other day this happened. Word for (pretty much) word. Out of nowhere.

L: "How did you get the baby out?"
Me: "You mean JJ? Well..." {silently thinking - where is this going, how do I get out of it, what do I do? You need to STALL.}
L: "When you had the baby. When JJ got here. HOW did she get out of your belly? HOW did the baby get out?"
Me: "Well..."
{silently thinking - where is this going, how do I get out of it, what do I do?}
L: "You know! How did JJ get OUT of your BELLY?! HOW?"
Me: "Well... {Feeling pressured.  Frankly at this point I'm feeling like perhaps the whole parenting principle of that pesky "honest" approach isn't the way to go. I'm thinking child birth would encompass what I SHOULD be truthful about? So off I go...} so, remember when Mama had that booboo? Well {SHIT I'm doing this thing.... nope. I'm not.} I had a surgery and the baby was born!"

{Please let that be good enough. PLEASE.}

L: "What is surgery?"
Me: {F}
L: "Mama, WHAT is SURGERY?"
Me: "Ok, so the doctors gave me medicine and they took the baby out."
L: "How?"
Me: "I don't know, L, they took the baby." {LIE, you are lying to your child.}
L: "Where did they take the baby? How did they get the baby out?"
Me: "I had surgery."
L: "What is surgery?"
Me: "It's when the doctor uses something like a knife to make a cut to get the baby out."
L: "A KNIFE?!"
Me: {crap} "Well, not a real knife - that we use to cut things - but a doctor's special knife for surgery."
L: "Did you feel the knife?"
Me: "No. The doctor's gave me medicine so I didn't feel anything. And L, it's not the same kind of knife that you know."

{Please let that be good enough. PLEASE.}

L: "So the baby was cut out of you?" 
Me: {Inner monologue: well, when you put it like that I have sufficiently f'd you up. Honesty, you are a son of a bitch. Silver lining? We're done here.} "Yup."
L: "But how did the baby get there? In your belly? Before the doctor had the surgery in you."
Me: "Um." 

{head explodes}

L: "Mama, how did the baby get into your belly?"
Me: "L. Um. I'm lost I need to pay attention to where I'm going, OK?"

I totally punked out. Good news? She's 4 so I'm sure I can find somewhere on this here Internet it's too soon. Also? Since I get lost pretty much everyday she is none the wiser that I wasn't actually lost.


  1. This is hilarious. I've had similar conversations with my L. Like verbatim. Except I use Dunkin Donuts as distraction instead of being lost. Why didn't I think of the lost thing?? Anyway, I wanted to answer him. So I took him to the library to look at books about babies being born geared towards 4 year olds. He may have been 3 at the time. Anyway, we found one and he was so engrossed by the page that showed a baby in utero with an umbilical cord that he totally skipped over the page showing daddy laying on top of mommy. Whew! It was win-win. I was a good mom for showing him the truth, and yet I didn't have to go there.

  2. My aunt got us a book "you're going to be a big sister" - the second I saw a uterus I realized I wasn't ready for the book. This parenting thing is hard, dude.


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