Sunday, May 18, 2008

Aruba Bahama Come on Smoking Mama

At the end of the day - vacation was fantastic. We didn't want it to end and we loved every minute of it. The water was great - both the pool and ocean. The weather couldn't be beat and the drinks were mighty nice.

That being said there are things every person traveling to Aruba should know:
  1. Whenever traveling with a child expect everyone to ask you the same questions over and over again - traveling tip: bring speaking points to hand out to avoid aggravation
    • L
    • She's a girl.
    • 7 months, almost 8.
    • Yes, thank you (to oh isn't she is cute)
    • Yes, thank you (to you are blessed or lucky)
    • Oh well thank you (to she sure does smile a lot or you have such a happy baby)
    • Yes we put sunscreen on.
    • We know that we need to put sun screen on.
    • She's a girl (even when wearing pink, to some we had to say it several times).
    • Yup. Sunscreen on, thank you. Yup- burning, Aruban sun. Got it. Kid is screened up - she's so screened up she is slippery. Sunscreen Hitler over here is lubing her up every 50 min since she is wearing SPF 50 - and she spends her time under hats and umbrellas. We got it. Sun is strong. Yup- we put sunscreen on.
    • Why don't YOU put some damn sunscreen on, you're looking a bit leathery lady.
  2. The state of NJ is currently in Aruba - the economy of the state must be declining. If not from NJ we're looking at MA (of the Revere persuasion), or NY. A sprinkle of toothless Euros to spice it up.
  3. Be ready to defend - even if sported by a 7 month old, there are still hecklers. Yankees fans are ridiculous.
  4. Aruba is called "The Happy Island" it's island's motto might also be "Smoke 'em if you got 'em." Literally every meal, everyday, every where you turned it was another reason that the truth squad should come to the sandy beach with their bullhorns and f'd up truth about smoking.
  5. All inclusive is a fantastic invention, must like flying first class vacationing should include nothing less.
  6. A strong 2nd place for a moto for the island might be "The Island of Balls." This is due to the ballsy bathing suit choices for men and woman, interesting drinking and over drinking displays, courageous couplings, and outfit selections were at an all time eyebrow raising alerts. At certain points throughout the day we would call out an alert to bring attention to OR warn against viewing. You don't need to know what these mean to know they weren't good... these alerts included but are not limited to:
    • Nuts before Noon
    • Whip 'em out Wednesday
    • Tata Tuesday
    • Taint Tuesday
    • Coogs on the prowl
  7. If you to Aruba be on the look out for the following characters we were able to come across in our travels (the hotel)
    • One Eyed Willy
      • Left eye slowly goes limp throughout the day as the bar gets hit harder.
    • Booze Bag Sally
      • OEW's son's (or friend - unsure of relation) wife/girlfriend who was told by all that could hear "If you leave me or cheat on me I will kill you." in the finest Reveah accent.
    • The Cougar (aka the Coog)
      • 50+ woman who gets drunk day or night, gropes "the help" calls people "the help", asks men (specifically in our example Nick the Man) what room they are in in hopes of getting an invite and announces things like "I'm over 50 and I just learned how to use chop sticks! Nick is the MAN!" OR "I'm over 50 and I just got a wax for the first time- Hello Brazil!"
    • Nick the Man
      • Lone traveler object of coogers affection and has a white maple leaf on his back - not a tattoo more like sunblock was applied in the shape of a maple leaf. Oh Canada.
    • Kevin Busey & the Mrs (or the Busey’s)
      • Looks like a Kevin but has a strong Gary Busey persuasion.
    • Dragon Lady
      • Angry Asian lady who does not like children in her restaurant. Syinara.
    • Princess Leia
      • Daughter of the Coog. Spends her days and nights carrying her little mother and doing her hair sans
    • Arie
      • White man with a rasta beanie hat on. In the sun, all the time.
    • Italia
      • Banana hammock central, the words Italia carefully illustrated over his little boot.
    • The Groupies
      • Large group of women traveling together with 1 ambiguously gay son. Hair always done (women not the son), visors on, make up check, no sunscreen since 1937. One explains her feelings through country music - not sung but spoken, the entire lyrics of the song.
    • #1 Fan (aka surrogate granddaddy)
      • Has 5 grand kids under 4 years old (yup), one daughter- started having kids at 40. He overshares and tells you all about her, them, and how cute L is. All the time. To the point of creepy. And waves his little hand wiggling the fingers screeching "Hey L! Hello! Hey hey hey!"
  8. Take lots of pictures

No comments:

Post a Comment

Use your words. You can do it, put your back into it.

I apologize I have use word verification. Stupid spam-bots. Fist in the air, it's all your fault.

(c) 2007 all rights reserved. aka don't be a D and swipe any content, photos, etc - sucka. Should you be tempted, let me know so I can be flattered and then give me something write about.