Friday, September 7, 2007

A Little Bit

"A little bit" is never good. You never want just "a little bit" of anything, when you really think about it. You usually want a lot or none. Never "a little bit."

The doctor told me yesterday that I'm "not even a little bit" dilated or effaced. The baby hasn't started to come down, at all. So the whole dropping comment again is just another slap to the face. The baby hasn't dropped- if anything I'm convinced he or she is literally crawling UP to my throat. Oh no wait, that's just heart burn yet another fantastic side effect of pregnancy that "some people" get.

In the beginging, there were things I learned early on. Now as I get closer to the end of the 10 months, there are even more:

1. When a book, pamphlet, website, doctor or some random says "some people may find that (insert horrible, uncomfortable, inconvenient in anyway condition here) may occur" it actually should read: "Jenn, YOU will find that you will get (insert horrible, uncomfortable, inconvenient in anyway condition here)."

2. Woman are pregnant for 10 months, society has lied to us our entire life. While someone pointed out that 4 weeks = 28 days NOT 1 month I say anyone who hasn't carried a grade schooler in front of them for minimally 4 DAYS, never mind 280 days (currently I'm on day 272) doesn't get to make that assessment. End of story. 40 weeks of pregnancy = 10 months.

3. A little pressure = brace yourself, you are in for it.

4. Everyone around me is freezing and I am hot as Haiti. I 'm sick and tired of hearing how cold everyone is around me. I get it. I f'ing get it. Get a sweater and shut up.

5. Benedryl is the best kept secret of the medical world.

6. Ice Cream Sandwich Ice Cream + Rocky Road = God's work

7. With out a supporting, patient husband I'd be fat, hot, cranky and hungry who never laughed. I'd just be fat, hot, cranky and hungry. We almost got kicked out of our last doctor's appointment because we couldn't stop laughing. When Debbie Downer said, "You guys are silly, I needed that." I looked at her, with tears in my eyes and told her the truth... "It's all I have left. It's all I have left."

Yesterday was my first pelvic exam. And they are NOT fun, big surprise- and when the dr says "you'll feel a little bit of pressure" she means a lot- EVEN if or when she comes at you, slapping on her gloves saying "My hands are tiny, so that's good." Just what every girl wants to hear.

Nurse Debbie Downer let it slip that I will not be seeing her on the delivery unit which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I tried not to smile too much. That was good news. But that's kind of where the good news ended. She also said things like:

"Don't forget you're only 38. 9 weeks pregnant."

"Well, your baby can't go to 1st grade in your tummy."

"The swelling in your feet won't go away for a few weeks, post baby."

While the doctor sought pity on me and tried to keep me hopeful by saying "it could all change at any time" I'm no fool. She also said, "NEXT week, when I see you, we will talk about induction." I am not sure, but I think it won't really be scheduled for 2 weeks AFTER that. So we're looking at another month. I know previously, I said 4 weeks = 1 month but let's face it. 3 weeks is a month. You want to know HOW I know this to be true. Because every book, pamphlet, website, doctor or some random has said, "Some people go late- up to 2 weeks!" I am some people.

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