Thursday, October 11, 2007


Two days ago was not a good day- having had yesterday now behind us- I realize actually how bad Tuesday was. Lilli was wilding out... stupid morphine. I am sure it carries a nice buzz, but the residual effect of getting her OFF the junk is not nice. She has all these "symptoms" of withdrawal that look like baby symptoms! I mean, I’m no expert, but on Tuesday I was convinced that the nurses didn’t know what they were talking about. That what they were sighting as problems, I was fairly sure non-junkie babies have.

They look at this list of symptoms and score her- to see where she is on the withdrawal scale- a 0-3 is where they want her… closer to 0 of course as she gets to 4-5 they watch her closely because once she goes to 6+ she is in a place where the pain, discomfort and overall danger is. It’s not that she will go and jump off the wagon and try to score some ‘phine at the corner- but with increased agitation and discomfort her stats could change. Her vitals- all those numbers and values we have learned about have been great. We don’t want those to change. She is off all aid of oxygen support now- and what is left to complete before we can take her home is to get her off the drug and eat independent of the feeding tube.

Tuesday, I wasn’t seeing it all as clearly. This whole scoring thing was driving me crazy. It is so subjective- they can mark her as having withdrawal - because she "isn't acting like herself." Now that quote would push me close to the edge.

"UMMM, LADIES, HOW do you know what she is like? She is 11 days old and is only now starting to feel anything because you've had her hopped up on drugs since day 1."

That's what I feel like screaming at the nurses.... but instead I smile and say thank you- and pick up my crying little girl and try to calm her quick enough that she doesn't get a bad 'score.' I do ask a lot of questions, but at a certain point I have to have faith in what they are doing- and trust they know what they are doing- but I do question a lot... I can't tell if they appreciate it or want to hurt me. I figure either way I win.

Appreciate it- they like me. They are good to Lilli.
Want to hurt me? Well then they will want to make Lilli better asap to get rid of me asap.

Some signs of withdrawal are:
- crying
- spitting
- sneezing
- alertness
- diarrhea

The nurse we had Tuesday- literally everything Lilli did- I got “that’s a sign of withdrawal.”

The day went like this-

LAG wakes up and fusses until I pick her up.
Nurse says, “that could be a sign of withdrawal”
I say, “Don’t most babies cry when they wake up and need a change?”

LAG shats her brains out. Literally.
Nurse says, “that could be a sign of withdrawal”
I say, “Don’t babies usually have nasty diapers?”

LAG spits up her food.
Nurse says, “that could be a sign of withdrawal”
I say, “Could it perhaps be the fact that she got too much food in this feeding? She hasn’t eaten this much to date- doesn’t it take time to expand the belly?”

LAG sneezes.
Nurse says, “that could be a sign of withdrawal”
I says, “Don’t kids sneeze or is that generally just an adult behavior?”

I was angry on Tuesday thinking that they were just going to willy nilly give my babe her fix, rather than fixing her- sleep deprivation will do that. I questioned a lot and did more research – and like I said ultimately we had to decide whether or not we were going to have faith in the professionals- because last we checked we didn’t attend any kind of medical school. Tuesday night, as they said they might, they increased her morphine and Wednesday I finally saw what the nurses and doctor was telling me. She was a different baby. IF she didn’t have the same cute mug, I might of thought they switched her out with a different girl.

The amount of morphine she was on while they were making her lungs better, was extremely high- and coming down from that will take time. Patience has never been a virtue that I have had, but everyday she teaches me what it’s all about. Last night, they took her down, back to where she tweaked out on Tuesday, and as they said it would happen she is doing better. She is handling this reduction like a champ.

She is currently 1/2 way there to 0. This is in less than a week from when they started weaning her off- looking at it like that shows what a Rock Star she is. But everyday is a different day- nobody said rehab would be easy.

Amy Winehouse - Rehab lyrics

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your words. I know this has got to be so hard for you all. You will all be home together soon. Thanks for allowing me to share in your new daughter's progress. She is so beautiful!


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