A Case of The Mondays

After a 2 hour delay for snow, after a 4 day weekend: this morning the older kid was all, I don't feel well. And I'm all - go to school, we stayed up late. So much candy. Pull it together. This is what a Monday after a long weekend feels like.

An hour later, I get a call from the school nurse. She has “my daughter” in the office. She isn’t feeling well, no fever – but tummy hurts. I note, she wasn’t feeling 100% this morning – but between the candy & staying up late – I thought it was a Holiday Hangover. 

(pause for laughter- though there was none)

She sent her back to class after some tums and solid advice to go sit on the toilet (I'm paraphrasing). Within 20 min, the teacher sent her back saying she wasn’t herself. She’ll leave it to me; do I want to pick her up. Here's the twist in the story where in I find out, it's not my oldest. 

I decide to pick her up, and head to the nurse’s office, where a kid named Riley was checking his blood sugar chit chatting with the nurse. My kid comes around the bend, looking like walking death. Says … “I don’t feel well I think I’m going to…”

We made it to the bathroom in time, but not the toilet. Riley is yelling about how this is terrible, walking toward us. All of this, while she shakes, getting sick in this time warped bathroom – I pull her hair back and sooth her. She looks up and asks, “If I used to be a doctor or a nurse – cause I’m so good at this.” No kid, just have held a lot of hair back while vomiting. Wink.

I clean up my kid. Me. And head home.

An hour later: call from the school nurse. She has the other kid in the office. She isn’t feeling well, she doesn’t have a fever… 

Same verse, same as the first - only less vomiting and no Riley. 

Both girls are home now. Passed out on different couches. With bowls next to them – while I sit here and await this plague to take me. Tick tock. Tick tock.

I'll see your fourth pregnancy & raise you a move.

The week before I realized I couldn't possibly be pregnant (but was) the ball & chain started to look around for a new job.

The history there is: he's been with the same wonderful company forever. He has done well and in return for a career path in the right direction, we have been trekking all over the country.

We move. And we don't like the process. But we've liked loved our adventures. I haven't loved Cleveland. But I have loved some of the memories and stories we'll be able to tell. I'm glad it's part of our story, but happy to see what is next.

The deal when we moved here was: in 2-3 years the next step would focus on the Northeast. That was the same for St. Louis. We loved it there, hard. And in 18 months we were moved.

It has been hard here, and almost 3 years deep no movement. He's gone after movement, he's been approached for several opportunities - all of which are not on the east coast. So he started looking around... I mean? Why not... Cman is getting bigger, JJ is at a good age to make a transition and we are getting close to the middle school years for L. It's time...

So he started getting resumes out. The next week, this happened. And just when we thought our life was about to get crazy?

Boom.

One of those resumes sent out in February turns into an interview, turns into another, turns into another - boom.

We are moving.

The resume to interview process? Was several months deep. The interview to offer to start date? Fast. Like way fast. Like so fast, it quite literally would only happen to us.

Time lapse

The week of February 23, 2015
For days I've been feeling off. Tired. I've been super stressed. A lot going on, so it all made sense. Then I got light headed a few times. Nauseous. My coffee didn't taste right. Crap. Now I'm getting sick. I haven't been sleeping lately, stress. A lot going on, so it all made sense. It's been hard to sleep, I've started to get tingly extremities. It's been so cold, record breaking cold - it must have to do with that.  You know, it kinda feels like when I got carpel tunnel when I was pregnant with JJ. But it's so cold, it can't be that.

Wednesday, February, 25th
Messaging with a friend, I just say it. I don't know where it came from.

Me: I know I am NOT preg. But I FEEL preg. Is that weird?
Her: Have you been nauseated?
Me: yes. in the mornings / late mornings. not first thing.
Her: since I know I'm not pregnant, I've been worried that I have some terrible tumor or cancer or something. I kinda want to get a CAT scan just to make me feel better. but I know that's nuts.
Me: you won't be surprised to hear -  my thought after... "wait, if I'm not preg - I'm probably going to die."
Her: isn't it terrible?
Me:  and I have this pregnancy test. ... still from Cman. Do they even LAST that long? and part of me - just wants to take the test. but then another part of me... wait for it... is like: eh, do I really want to WASTE this test? They are expensive. What if we actually try again? then I'm going to have to buy a new test box.  seriously. I have issues. It's literally calling me from the bathroom draw.  "jeeeeeeennnnnyyyyy just find out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what are you waiting for? you know you have to peeeeeeee!!!"

And somewhere between 12:35 and 12:45pm the world stops. I thought, taking the test would mean I would have some confirmation I was not in fact pregnant and could possibly be dying.

The line, it comes through.

The only logical next step? I need another test.

I figured, before I picked L up from school? I would shoot over to the store. My dad was visiting and could stay home with the baby. My plan is immediately foiled because he wants to come to the store. After a panic, I realized I would ask him to wait in the car with the kids. He was none the wiser and off to the store I went.

I'm going to stop here and say: pregnancy tests are freaking expensive. $25 for peace of mind, it must be the almost expired test!

I grab them. Pay for it and go. But not before taking the box out of the bag and shoving it in my coat. Because I can't go into the car with a hot pink box of pregnancy tests.

Lady behind the counter, "Giirrrll! I KNOW it!" 

I'm not quite sure what she knows. Does she know I have a 10 month old? That I was JUST pregnant? Does she know that the last pregnancy nearly killed me. Ok maybe that is some what dramatic. But when you are suddenly a mother of 4, you get to be dramatic.  Does she know we have 3 kids? This is 4? Does she know this is some Duggar shit? Does she know I've been talking about wanting 4 kids, but it was in theory. Not in for real life. Right? We weren't there yet.

I'll take the test.

And take the test I did. And you'll never guess what it said.

With my dad visiting, the kids awake and around, I wait. I have two sticks I peed on in my pocket for hours.  There is Criminal Minds episode somewhere in there. It would have been great to think of an adorable way to surprise the ball & chain with this news. But I also felt like the information in it of itself will be a surprise all it's own.

So once we got everyone to sleep, I threw the sticks on the bed.

"So, there's this." 

Thursday, February 26th
I called my doctor's office. Whispering about needing an appointment. When asked, "What's this about?" I whispered, even more quietly, "I think I'm pregnant." The natural response? Laugh out loud cackling, "You girls always call like you don't know how this happened!" I start to say, "Oh I know how I ... {she starts laughing again I think in response to my cleverness} got myself into this! I have 3 others!" To which she says, "Oh I see that! That's why I'm laughing now. You were just here for a post csection check in."


The next few weeks...
Pretty much living in secret we wander through the next few weeks. Some highlights...

• Falling asleep at 8:15 on the regular. 
• Coffee tastes like pure acid. I want it. But I don't. I have a conflicting battle with this every morning. 
• One of my favorite pregnancy side effects (other than the baby) is my nails grow. And while I continue to have man hands, at least I have nails. And in true Wolverine transition form, the transformation has begun. 
• One of my least favorite pregnancy side effects is how I turn into Teen Wolf in the way of unwanted random hair. I do not get a pregnancy glow. I get a 5 o'clock shadow and teen acne. 
• We've been lobbing out preparation for the kids. "Wouldn't it be fun to have another baby???" "Look at how big Coal is getting? Don't you want another baby????" I asked L specifically, "What do you think - should we have another baby?" Her answer? "Don't you think it's crazy enough?"
• I took all three kids to a restaurant, alone, by choice. And they were awesome. I was awesome. I can do this. 
• I'm so tired. It's so loud here. Good god, there is always someone into something, asking me something. It's neeevver quiet. What the hell did we get into here? 
• Many doctor appointments, a few sonograms and a visit with the genetics counselors and it turns out all looks good. Despite my continuous fears on a loop to the contrary. 

April 12, 2015

We told the kids. They are so happy. And we are so happy they are happy. And it's going to be insane. But it's going to be great. When it isn't not great.

The next few days & weeks

We've started to tell family & a few friends.  I'm not quite ready to go full fledged public yet. It just seems like a lot. Ideally I'd wait until closer to 20 weeks, I feel like that will feel better? I still don't feel great. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep all this to myself until then. Reactions have been interesting.  Though the most common reaction is disbelief. 

• You are kidding. 
• You are not serious. 
• Are you crazy? 
• If anyone can handle 4 kids, it's you guys. 
• Whaaaaaaa??????
• You are insane.
• The minivan makes even more sense now. Thank The Lord.
• I heard 4 is better than 3. 3 kids is the hardest. I read it on the Internet, it must be true. 
• Congratulations. I guess??? 

I think most people are genuinely happy, but as much as I believe that - I do firmly believe there is some judgement by the few.  Misunderstanding or even some non-happiness. Like a sadness? Hard to pinpoint. They may never admit it, but I can feel it. And here's the best part? I don't actually give a crap.

And now you are caught up. 

Belated holiday wishes and continued traditions

When your last holiday card is epic, it's a hard act to follow. When you used to write regularly, and now barely every - it's hard to think of what to do next. 

But you can't very well give up now, can you? 

Christmas Spectacular

Christmas time is full of magic, wonder, and amazement. One of our most favorite times of the year. If I had to guess, it's probably one of the most talked about topic on this blog. I mean other than moving and straight up crazy things that only happen to us.

This year was important & unique. Important because the girls are strong with their belief and it was baby boy's first Christmas. Unique because Thanksgiving was late & shortly after the big day we were jetting off for a vacation. This is important to note because the pressure to start Christmas came on strong the very weekend after Thanksgiving.  While there was still turkey leftovers to be had - it was a tree that was top of mind. The first day we could, we were off to find a tree. We found a tree, but I thought it was too small. I like a big tree. We have 6 million ornaments and enough space to get a big full tree. This particular tree? While it looked perfect, looked short to me. But my husband felt strongly it was big enough. The guy on the tree lot? Also spent time convincing me that the tree was big enough. Both tried to convince me of our ceiling height, neither having ever measured the actual height of the ceiling. I agreed, I knew better, but I agreed.  We got adorable pictures. And maybe it was a success...

We got the tree home, cut off the netting and as it fanned out we quickly realized I was right. More accurately the ball & chain was wrong. And I'll be honest with you, this wasn't my finest moment. Queue: adult sized temper tantrum. I knew I was right. We weren't going to be able to use half of our ornaments, how will we choose? I can't believe how wrong he was? Why did you fight so hard for something wrong?

Christmas time is full of magic, wonder and amazement. And apparently throwing a plastic water container clear across the house.

We took a gamble. Next time measuring - and wouldn't you know? The tree stand took the tree back. And the magic was back...

Until it wasn't. And the tree we got was too big. We didn't have enough lights. And those that we did have? Half went out.

Maybe you'd think - this is the end of the story. And maybe this is the first post you've ever read here. I went on to trip the tree, create several holiday displays throughout the house. 

 And finally, it was Christmas time. It was full of magic, wonder and amazement.

Until it wasn't. 

The bigger they are. The harder they fall. 

We lost a lot. But we gained a new tree stand. Which required a bit more tree trimming. 

Do your lights hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? They do when you have to further cut the tree to fit in the new stand. You know. So it stops toppling over.

 And finally, it was Christmas time. It was full of crooked magic, wonder and amazement.

I gave the kid $10 for a field trip. Told her to bring back change. She brought back 7 cents.

She used most of her/my money to get me a Christmas present. The rest? A mood ring. Because of course. This morning I opened an ornament. "in memory of this year! So we remember how the tree fell on you." It's a glass one. Like most that we lost. And she is the best. The end. 

Until it was over.

... and to all a good night!

Her heart

If I were writing here anymore, you'd likely hear about how challenging things get. In particular JJ. She's a tough kid. She is (too) smart, a character, funny, charismatic, impatient, kind, selfish, giving, loving, whiney, the list goes on. A loved, adored, magnificently trying on my last nerve, kid.

But her heart? It's her heart that is most incredible.

Santa brought the movie Maleficent. I was nervous on how scary it might be for JJ. Dragons, fire, battle scenes, Maleficent in general with her magic. At first the plan was: watch it without her. But I researched it a bit and found that it wasn't as scary as the trailers made it seem.  Maybe we'd give it a go, during the day...

Battle scenes, fire, fighting, an army coming out of the ground, a dragon / serpent made of roots & wood - not a blink of the eye. But this scene? Where Maleficent comes face to face with baby Auroa?



Straight. Tear. Breakdown. The first 30 seconds broke her. I found it on YouTube titled "funny scene" - because it's cute. But to her? To not love on this little baby was pure evil. And that's my girl.

Coal {of} mine

Since (almost) last I wrote here, there were just sonogram photos I thought I would share his announcement. 

His arrival has been oh so very exciting for oh so many reasons. It's been over 3 months. It feels like we've known him forever and yet I can't believe how fast these months have gone, even when it feels like it's going slow. If that makes any kind of sense.  

To follow (our web friendly*) birth announcement. The front side is fairly traditional in terms of what information is provided. 

Side note: Why the hat?  Short(ish)** story: when he was born and we announced his birth we weren't I wasn't 100% on the name. 

It went a little like this: 

I posted the first picture 4 hours after he was born. I had hoped we would come to a decision before we posted anything, but word on the street (texts) was that it had been leaked. The baby was born, that he was a he & how (very) much he weighed. It does sound of so very Kimye, doesn't it? I mean, sure, I don't take naked selfies and the ball & chain doesn't talk about himself in the third person - but there were people scooping us on our own son's birth before we were ready.  (In hindsight I probably could have used another celebrity couple. Cause now you are thinking, wait? Does she have a sex tape? Does he hate on Taylor Swift? And other terrible things about the couple I chose. But you know what I mean, right? I digress...)

Since it was on an instant message circuit I figured, I'll deal with the stress of not knowing (for sure) the name. I didn't want anyone to hear that he was born and we were still silent. If it were me? My mind would go to something possibly being wrong, and it hadn't.

Baby BOY G. He's here. And he means business. 11lbs. 10oz. 22 inches.
and no name other than "oh my god" & "he's HUGE!"

And when I finally got myself together, a day later:

Name official: Coleman Bennett > nickname: Coal. Or Moose.
Or "yes. I know how big he is." #whatsmymotherlovinname

The moose comment was strictly random. I threw it in: an animal, known for it's size to make fun of a situation that was stressful (you'll see a watered down version of why to follow). And it stuck. And it makes me smile. 

The back was a (very necessary) FAQ because holy hell were there questions asked frequently (edited for the world wide web). And because I know this might come up (surprisingly so): 

• No, we don't spell his name C-o-a-l.
• Yes, sometimes I do call him Coals. 
• No, not after the store either. 

A closer look of the back: 

Q: What took you so long to name him?

A: Coals was always "the" name. We had other name options: 6 for girls, 3 for boys.  I always feared without having options, the baby could be nameless if he or she didn't look like "the" name. You could announce the baby's birth but then not the name. And no one liked that! There would be phone calls asking, "when will we know the name???" Nurses coming in every few hours asking "And... who is this???" Messaging asking, "Do you know the name yet?" or "What about now?" or "What about now, do you know now?"  With both girls, we looked at them and knew.

When our doctor said "Oooh Bubba!" and we were officially shown our son we went into shock. A baby boy! My shock lasted longer than the ball&chain's and Bubba or Baby Boy Guarro was nameless. In addition to being shocked he was a boy, did he look like a Coals?  The ball&chain always knew he was our Coleman, but I wasn't sure.  He could have been a Coals or a Ben. He could have been a Jack, Gus, or Tony (insert a full day of revisiting 7-10 name books).  I finally caught up with the ball&chain and Coleman was officially named.

Q: Where did the name come from?

A: Coleman is my maiden name.  Bennett means blessed, and we are blessed to have Coals join us. His initials are CBG, the ball&chain's initials are CBG.  Elle's initials are Nana Lu's and JJ's initials are Poppa's (Guarro).

Q: Wait. Coleman? Isn't that a last name?

A: Yes. Last name for a first name, with the exception of the fact that Coleman is actually a first name.  We typically call him Coal vs. his full name. We'll reserve that for when he's in trouble, like everyone else.

Q: Did you know he would be this big? Did you break any hospital records?

A: No & not that we know of. We knew he was big, but no not this big. We were told by countless hospital staff, nurses and doctors it's the biggest baby they had seen all day / week / month / year or career - but no official word on record breaking. He broke our record, good enough for us.

Q: Can you believe it?

A: No, I don't believe it. It was certainly a déjà vu moment to be in yet another operating room and have the entire staff mouth or say "Oooh my G O D! He is HUGE!"  

Q: Was it a c-section?

A: What kind of question is that?  Yes.

Q: Were your other babies as big?

A: Yes & no. Elle was 10 lbs 14.8 oz and 22.25 inches. That's where the déjà vu of "Oh my GO D! She's HUGE!" comes in. JJ was 7 lbs 6 oz 20.25 inches.

Q: How are the girls?

A: Amazing, they love their little brother something fierce. Elle is so grateful to get her wish - a baby brother. JJ loves her baby, very much. Both are more loving than one heart can handle.

Q: How does it feel to be outnumbered?

A: Controlled chaos is still chaos. For example, family photos? We are going with majority rules to measure success. If most people are looking and almost smiling? It's printable.  We don't anticipate any peace, any time soon. But it's wonderful, all the same. A chaotic wonderful. We are happy, feel blessed & beyond lucky. With a health side of "what did we get ourselves into" & a deep appreciation for sleep.

*I updated some of the details / names / references it isn't the exact image word for word.

**Fine, it wasn't a short story & could have been shorter. 

20 questions - JJ v1

I once said I would interview L yearly, that was 2 years ago. I haven't interviewed her since. It was just JJ's 3rd birthday. And let's not discuss how much of her 2nd year I missed out on here. Um, I just looked. Turns out? I missed her entire 2nd year. Pretty much. So why not interview her? 

1. What is your favorite color? Pink.
2. What is your favorite toy? Umm... Ariel. (I asked for clarification: which kind) Dolls.
3. What is your favorite food? Hot dogs.
4. What is your favorite fruit? Umm.... hot dogs.
5. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Umm... pamkakes (pancakes).
6. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Umm... hot dogs.
7. What is your favorite snack?  Umm... bananas.
8. What is your favorite drink?Umm... Nanas (Bananas)
9. What is your favorite tv show? Umm... a show. Like something.
10. What is your favorite outfit? Umm... this. (points to mismatching PJs that she has never worn before)
11. What is your favorite game? Umm... wipes. No not wipes... books! And baby!
12. What is your favorite animal? Umm... lions.
13. What is your favorite song? Umm... ABCs
14. What is your favorite book? Umm... library
15. Who is your best friend? Umm... (L interrupts for the 4th time and says "Rachel" she is sent to time out, as she was told 3 times prior to not prompt JJ) Rachel
16. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Umm... kitties.
17. What is your favorite holiday? Umm... bugs.
18. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Umm... my tiger (she doesn't have a tiger)
19. What do you want to be when you grow up? Umm... get my tooth out!
20. What's your favorite thing about school? Umm... paints!
21. What makes you happiest? Umm... you! (points to me & wins)
22. What are you scared of? Umm... mermaids! (Which is one of her favorite things... did she understand the question?)
23. What is the one thing you want to try this year? This! (Points to book that has a picture of Sponge Bob.)
24. Where in the world would you like to go? Splash park.
25. What is the best thing about being 3? I'm FREE! (how she says 3)
26. What makes you excited about being 4? Umm... babies.
27. What is your favorite thing to do? Umm... babies. No not babies. I wanna sing! (back and forth on what she is actually saying - turns out she says "ONE THING!" and then decides she likes to paint.)
28. What do you like most about our family? Umm... baby.

Picture day

A few weeks ago I took the big kid to a sonogram. She doesn't remember going with JJ & she remembers everything. Frankly, I didn't think she had ever gone before either, but lately I forget everything. I thought I'd take her out of school a little early and we'd go have a big girls day out.  

Side note: it turned out she got invited to a play date that afternoon so while she did still choose to come with me for the appointment she ditched me shortly there after for a girls night in at a friend's house. Pizza dinner and a movie with a few girls from her class. Because she may be 6 on her birth certificate, but apparently she is really a teenager. 

Little known fact: the pictures of yore are out. Creepy 3D Sci-Fi is in. I did get one good ol'standby.

I took a look back and all the kids look the same, though to be honest - I can't find a good pic of JJ's sonogram. Middle child, she was born and her fate was sealed.  Remember when we called JJ, Kevin? This kid I've been calling baby Z since the beginning. Z for zombie because (s)he's eating my brain. That said? Now (s)he's taking the life out of me.
 
In looking for whatever we called L when I was knocked up and knocked down with her I found this post. Where I took tests and it told me she'd be a girl. I took the same tests. This is what they said. 

• 75 % chance of having a girl 
• It's a girl!  (Chinese Age 35 at Lunar month 5).

But I digress. 


The truth is I was afraid of what this appointment would kick up for her. She has asked me twice about babies - how they get into one's belly. She's super specific and asks a lot of detailed questions that there is no broadly answering something with her. If you are too general you are met with follow up questions. The first time she asked, I was pregnant with JJ. I was able to get out of it. More recently she remembered I'd never asked this question (2+ years later, people). We were talking about the baby and she said, "You never told me, HOW did the baby get INTO you? HOW DID it get IN there??"

I punked out, again - "Oh, why don't you get that book we have about it - we'll read it together."
That book does exist. It has super specific photos but doesn't actually explain how the baby gets in there. It talks about how the baby lives in there. But that bought me time. As I had her sift through 100s of books looking for the one, I then found a TV show she likes and since TV is a major treat? I dangled it in front of her like a dealer to a junkie. Her curiosity killed by the drug of TV.

MOM OF THE YEAR! RIGHT HERE!!!! 

I knew, if she asked again, I had to do it. I had to figure out a way to tell her - but the truth is I still don't know what I'll say. 

Luckily? She was more curious about what she was seeing.

The sonographer was a peach, let's call her Suzy Sunshine from here on out {sarcastic font}. I mean, here is this adorable kid, so excited to see her baby brother / sister and NO interaction is provided. I'm not saying you have to keep her entertained - but a little guidance as to what we were looking at would have been lovely. Because instead it went like this. 

Me: "Look, L - I think that's the baby's belly!"
Suzy Sunshine: "That's the head." Said in super condescending tone as if DUH. HOW do you not know this. 

And it kind of went like that for each region of the body. These appointments are about an hour due to the amount of testing that has to be done so it was super fun {sarcastic font}. Besides needing to take measurements of everything, the baby tends to be super disagreeable on these things. On more than one occasion I have had to get up, shake around or lay on either side. Sometimes, without warning the sonographer will shake my belly like a god damn Magic 8 Ball. To which I want to to say, "Concentrate and ask again."

Probably the best one went a little like this:

Ball&chain: "L, look the baby is waving to you! I think that's the hand!!"Me: "I think that's the foot..."
Suzy: "That's your mommy's right ovary."

Suzy wasn't fun. She did not appreciate the adorableness that was the kid and asked me approximately 3 times if I was sure I didn't have gestational diabetes.  As if one forgets that information. The test I proudly (once again) and against the odds passed, unlike tests of yore. 

But she didn't get the best of the experience. This kid did. Both of them.

Big sister, can you see the resemblance?

The Grand Finale

For awhile I felt that that there was two more babies out there for us, but perhaps in the cards it will be one final blessing. One grand finale. I had visions that our grand finale would come with a surprise encore in the form of twins this last pregnancy.

The first two times I got pregnant, it came easily. The pregnancy itself wasn't always easy, but the whole conception piece was. HEY OH!  This pregnancy has not been easy. The pregnancy itself has been fairly easy, getting here has been a challenge. Little known fact: we have been trying for just about a year. Far beyond our first time a charm babies the first two times.  It's hard to want something so badly and for it not to happen. It's hard to complain when you have two beautiful and healthy babies already, who are we to be so greedy?  Who is it to say it's greedy to try for more children and be beyond disappointed it isn't happening.

Part of my absence recently has been coming to terms with giving up on our plan. Or maybe it's that I haven't been able to come to terms with giving up our plan that has kept me away because I don't know what to say. That seems to be a theme this past year, I don't know what to say here. Except to say, I feel like I can't get back to my regularly scheduled snark without trying to get out as much as I can of the truth.

And the truth is, this year has sucked. I'm happy for where we are today but getting here was the worst. Lots of tiny reasons, insignificant reasons, matched with life changing, story changing reasons.  But here we are, weeks away from the arrival of our grand finale.  Excuse me while I get my cheese on: perhaps this will be the start of a new story - that's my hope.

{insert nonsensical title - much like this post}

I have come back to this place, thought of this place - for months. I have logged in and started this post more times than I can count, but never wrote a word. I have looked in trying to figure out where to start. Do I start at all? Do I backtrack? Do I explain where I have been? Can I? Nothing too dramatic, yet possibly more dramatic than you imagine. It's a little bit of everything and nothing specific at all.

I'm not trying to be all wordy about where I've been. I honestly don't know what to say, how to say it or if I should anything at all.

This is the longest I've gone without writing, since I started writing here.  I feel lost.  There are all kinds of ways to share online, but it's in tidbits. 140 characters. Images that only capture a moment. Answering the question: what are you up to?  And frankly it can't possibly show the full picture, but neither can this space. The last few months have me rethinking what I post.  It is just small views into our world. I feel like I am painting a picture that wasn't really true to the whole picture. The small moments don't show it all. And lately it has felt fraudulent. I try to be real and not just share the rainbows. {I am well aware of how ridiculously cheesy this sounds - but it's the truth.} But I can't possibly share all the dark clouds. The tantrums are one thing, but there is so much more I can't possibly put a filter on.

This space provided a little more latitude to be a little more real, but never quite everything. Over the course of the last 6 months I don't know that I felt like I could be real at any level. I haven't really felt all that real. It all started to snowball.

Maybe I'm on an upswing.  There will always be things I protect and can't be transparent on. But maybe things are coming into a space where I can start to use my words a bit more. I've missed it. I need it. I'm going to quit the excuses and just start. I won't make any promises, but I'll acknowledge no matter what the reasons of not being here - I've missed it and go from there.

We triple-dog-dare you to have a merry Christmas

Perhaps my lack of posting can be forgiven with holiday wishes.

Holiday cards in 2013? Nailed.It.*


*Except for those folks who haven't seen "A Christmas Story." For those people: they were confused as to why we would dress the kid up as the Easter Bunny, they missed out. Mostly in life, because it's a classic and they should see it. But also? The card. 


 

Toddler priorities

JJ: "Where'd mommy go?"
Ball&chain: "She's upstairs."
JJ: "Awwwe."
(the next second) JJ: "Where'd mommy go?"
Ball&chain: "She's upstairs."
JJ: "Awwwe. I wanna hug."
Ball&chain: "Do you want to go give her a hug? Go upstairs."
{me, upstairs melting. She DOES LOVE ME!}
L: "Hey J, wanna watch Doc McStuffins?"
JJ: "UH OK!" {feet running... not upstairs}

{passed up for a kid who talks to her toys}

Catching up - barely

Holy hell. It's only been a month - maybe two but so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

In no particular order, because I don't know how to keep track.

1. My baby is no longer in Kindergarten. SAY.WHAT. 
   
   
   
   
2. My baby baby is no longer a baby - she's two. WHAT THE WHAT?
   
3. The summer is here and we are working it out to make it fantastic.
   

   

   Dinners outside and spent loving.

   
   
   
4. We took a 2 week vacation, haven't done that - almost ever.
   
5. Related: the Jersey Shore is not just for trancing and MTV reality shows. It's magical.  More magical than the magic capital of the world.
6. Related to the 2 week vacation, we did so by way of a 10 hour road trip - each way.
   

   

   Local fun - and Google photos makes gifs? All good.

    
7. We are making friends - or trying to. It's hard work.
    
8. Took JJ to her first real movie. We all survived. It was very much like her sister - popcorn is key.
    
9. We have our first lost tooth. After weeks of wiggling and throwing up in my mouth (it's a horror show - loose teeth) we have one down, one to go that is loose. In the meantime? She has shark teeth - rows of teeth coming in it's horrifying.
   
   
10. There are so many real stories within these small

    

    Summer outside movie fun.

     line items. So many stories to tell - but we're busy. Livin. Put that on a magnet. Pin it.
    

Scholar vs. Clairvoyant

I interrupt this unplanned - can't get my act together to update - blogging hiatus to give you this. 

In walking through the book store the other day - this happened:

Me, "You know what we should start to get, kid?"
Her, "What?"
Me, "Some chapter books - I think you are ready for longer stories!"
Her, "Oh yea. I'm also going to start reading minds."
Me, ....
Her, "What?"
Me, "What did you say??"
Her, "Reading mind."
Me, .....
Her, "What?"
Me, "Sorry. What do you mean?"
Her, "You know. When you read. IN your mind."
Me, "Ohhh - you are going to start reading IN your mind - so reading to yourself."
Her, "Yes (irritated and in an oh so scary mini-me-like familiar tone). That's what I said, I'm going to start reading minds."

For someone who is in fact ready to read to herself & read chapter books - she really needs to learn that adding or leaving out certain words in a string of words (sentence) matter.

My Dodo

Did you know a "dodo" was a dad of daughters only? This is the rumor we hear - and I love it. And I love my dodo. Hard. And my girls? My girls are so freaking lucky. And I am lucky for my girls, for me. I mean, it's Father's Day and he is insisting on changing our stink ass little girl's diaper. I mean? It doesn't get much better than that, folks.

My dodo is difficult to compare to. He's everything to us. To me. To them. He's the kind of man they will know is possible, the kind of partner a girl can have. There, 100%. And I don't know how many of there of him there are out there.

Show me how big your brave is

Step 1, press play:



Step 2: Try not cry.*

*Ok fine, I get it - it's probably just me. But I cry almost every time I sing (scream) this song. It isn't waterfall city, just welling up - damn this hurts. Or does it feel good. Or does it hurt? I don't know. But damn.

I try to think about what I want for my girls. I can't ever seem to put it into a word. I have many words, but never just one word.

The story behind the music: one day I heard Sara Bareilles was putting out a new album (CD, iTunes download - whatever).  and there is a release of the song - with the lyrics. Truth: I am excited because she's a favorite of mine. Bonus: I feel like we'd totally be friends, if I could make a damn friend. Home girl can sing a song riddled with truth (and curses) and it's lovely. Her songs make me happy and when they are sad, I feel it. When she isn't dropping F bombs there are songs that my kid can enjoy & I don't want to poke my ear out. Wins all around. So I look it up, and I press play.

And I can't. I can't stop. I can't stop listening to it. I can't stop crying. The good, cleansing cry. The kind that is not quite sad, but not quite happy. But also the kind that hurts, because I realize it's a song - while likely intended to be a civil rights anthem of sorts - it's my song to my girls. I want to see them be brave.

I'll be damned. Everything I want for my little humans - wrapped in a catchy tune that just makes you want to move. Dance. Like no one is looking. And we do - we dance like no one is watching. Singing like no one can hear us.  The kid & I haven't stopped singing the song. We scream at the top of our lungs - windows down - fake microphones and circle school until we get the song in.


I fear for what is ahead for them. Beyond the chaos of the unexpected tragedy, that has proven to be the possible - in an impossible way. Beyond the disappointments they might experience and heart break. You want to protect them -but a big part of me wants them to push past it all and come out on top. Be the kind of kid who is someone's hero. And if they are in the position where they need a hero, they need someone to be there for them in a darkness - I want need them to have that. Be bigger than they think they can be. Be more. Life is going to be hard. And I want them to speak up. I want to see how big their brave is. 

All of this is to say, I hear this song and I think - this is it. What I want need for my babies. I want them to have the strength  - because lord knows I don't know how I will. I'm paralyzed with fear for what lies ahead of them.  In talking to some friends, seasoned moms, of how I was feeling this little piece of advice has stayed with me: you make sure they know that they are loved completely and unconditionally. And then I hope the rest will work out. 

I hope they do- know that I love them. With everything. And when the times comes they will have that behind them. To be amazing.


Brave - Sara Bareilles
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you 

Pro tip: Don't ask questions you can't want to hear the answer to.

A few weeks ago, the kid told me she knew the D word. More on that here. The long & short of it? Totally innocent.

So when the kid said, "I know the F word." I figured:

• Fudge
• (At worst) freak or frig maybe a little 
• Friggin

Lesson learned, don't ask. Cause out it came, and it went a little like this:


I went through the motions. "What's the F word, kid?"

Her, matter of fact in face & tone: "F_CK."

Me, {silent shock - this, my friend, was no innocent dang } 
Her, "That's it."
Me, "Yes, it is. But don't say that again - ok. It's kind of one of the worst words you could use - where did you hear that?" {silently thinking - please don't say me. PLEASE don't say me.}
Her, "Missy* told me."
Me, {thanks G, it wasn't me. Just a little buddy at school. I can't even be mad at her hooligan friend, I'm too excited it isn't me. Or my hooligan friends.  I had a phone call on speaker the other day and didn't say "you are on speaker" and F bombs were thrown. Good, I'm glad it's a friend. Better her than me. Better her than me.} "Ok, well listen - it's not a nice word, please don't say it again. Don't tell others about it - it's not OK."

*Names changed to protect the guilty. Did I mention, I'm so f'ing glad it isn't me?

To be filed under/ another reason I have a hard time making friends: I judge.

Our neighborhood has an "active" FB group. Sometimes it's great. Often times people are selling items or giving them away - we got a jogging stroller for free! Not for me, because I don't run unless I'm being chased, but the ball&chain has been running again so it'll be great for the babe. There is local yard sale information or call out for help. Like the other day when an adorable old dog was found in my yard. I had to call the city to pick him up but I wanted to try & find his owner. I named him Chewy and the long story short is while the owner was out looking for the pup, she asked someone who had seen the picture that I posted in the group. Due to that picture, Chewy was picked up by his owner. Side note, his real name is Buster. But he'll always be Chewy to me.

Sometimes local events are posted or local business recommendations. Most times? It seems to be about animal poop. Dogs not being curbed, cats roaming free. We live in a nice neighborhood that is basically the poop police.

True story: one guy said he was going to be posting pictures of non-dog curbing offenders. This dude is basically going to hide in a bush and take a picture if you don't pick up after your dog. Watch out. Cause people around here have time like that.

Currently there is a ridiculous, angry, passion filled discussion about cat poop.  There is a 33 deep comment string, ranging from one liners like "Cat diapers should solve everything. You're welcome." and paragraphs about the "invasive species" of cats in our neighborhood FB group. And the poor girl who is clearly not a cat person then gets attacked and questioned in terms of why she is in this piece of poop police blotter (as apparently she doesn't actually live in the neighborhood). ALL I want to do is hit reply and say things like:

• For a state where the presidential votes are depended on or weighed heavily - this is your big issue? Seems like crap. {ba-dum-cha I'm here all night. Or 2 more years, unfortunately.}
• So what I'm getting here is if I kill the cat OR I save the cat - I am 50% likely to find a friend among you. What if I don't care - either way? Does that make me the outsider? 
• If I technically live in this neighborhood, but I absolutely don't care about this issue: would you attack me? Or just those that disagree with those inside the coveted neighborhood. 
• Cats are the devil's pet.

To be filed under/ another reason I have a hard time making friends: I judge.

Still the best big sister ever, just a clear view on the reality of the situation

Prologue: I would have posted this - either way.  I like to document the things my kids say & do. Sometimes I post something on Facebook that I think is hilarious. I wonder... am I the only one that finds this hilarious? And then something happens. People crawl out the woodwork & like it.

Huzzah - validation! Nailed it.

This is one of those things. Our life, a direct quote.

Hot off the presses:

L, "I wish JJ was good. All the time."
Me, "Ya, I know - but then she wouldn't be the baby sister. She wouldn't be her. We love her - so we like her the way she is."
L, "Yea, I just wish she was good all the time."
Me, "I know you think it isn't ideal..."
L, "What's 'ideal?'"
Me, "Like, the best way it can be..."
L, "Oh, like if we sent JJ to live with someone else."

The big sister who put up with it all has left the building, 2 years later - she's ready to bargain.